megan's blog

Birth Story

2011-03-25T14:02:00.001-07:00

Well here it is if you want it, but Im not forcing it on you. :) On Sunday January 30th at 2:30 am, I woke up to a new "sensation." 7 minutes or so later when it happened again, I realized, these might be contractions. I could be in labor. I couldnt really fall back asleep because I kept having these contractions so I watched the clock while I laid there and tried to practice relaxing. I was having them fairly regularly, but they were not too intense. I went downstairs around 6 am to get a change in scenery. I also called my mom and told her I thought she should go ahead and come. It was a 9 hour drive so I wanted to give her plenty of notice. Brandon woke up around 7 and I told him I was in early labor and wanted pancakes. :) He took me to Winsteads. Then we took a little walk (in the cold with snow on the ground). I decided I wanted to try to go to church to distract me. Labor slowed down at church and I got very tired so I thought it would be good to take the break and get some rest. I do not think I fell asleep but I laid down for awhile. Brandon went and got some lunch. Around 3, my mom arrived. I was slightly frustrated that it had been 9 hours and I still felt about the same. I called Debbie since she was at the birth center and asked if she would just check me while she was there. When we got there, she said i was effacing, but only about 1 cm dilated. Again, slightly frustrating, but I knew I was not in crazy labor. I just hoped I could get some rest. My biggest fear in all of this was that I would be in labor for a long time and would get too exhausted to push when I needed to. I have been in the business long enough to know how much trouble that can cause, but who can sleep when you are going to meet your baby soon (and when you are having uncomfortable contractions every 3-9 minutes!)
That evening is kind of a blur. I took another walk. I laid down and napped a little for a couple hours between contractions. Then I got in the tub. I do not know when they picked up, but I remember that the contractions were more intense and it was getting late. I had brandon call Debbie and tell her that I wanted to come labor at the birth center. We got there around 11pm. Debbie checked me again and I was 1-2. WHAT! I was discouraged, but asked Debbie if I could stay and labor since we live with people and I knew I would not relax well if I felt like I was keeping them up. Brandon called Grace at that point. He and my mom were tired and not really sure how to help me any more. Grace was wonderful! She walked the halls with me and helped me relax during contractions. She helped me eat small snacks and give me drinks. I love her and will always be grateful to her for her help. Around 4 or 5 am, Debbie came to check on me again. I just knew I had to be at least 5-6. I had thrown up and I had the shakes and everything. so you can imagine my disappointment when after 24 hours of work, i was 3 cm. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!? I broke down, along with my midwife. This was the point that Debbie told me later she wanted to throw me in the car and get me an epidural. Silly Debbie. She did give me some medicine to help me sleep though. While this was probably the thing that helped get me through without being completely exhausted, it also made that part of labor intense. For the next 3 or 4 hours, I would wake up every 3-12 min at the peak of a contraction. There was no way to relax or ease into the contractions. It just would hit me and I would jump out of bed like crazy person. I kept feeling like I needed to go to the bathroom, but mom would encourage me to lay back down, and most of the time I would fall right back asleep. Whenever I did have a 2nd contraction it was not as bad, but I was so sleepy I needed to go back to the bed. Around 8:30 or 9am, I got up during a contraction and went to the toilet. As I was sitting there I felt like I needed to poop. In my world that sometimes is code for you need to push. I told my mom to get Debbie. When she came in, I told her she better give me good news. She agreed. :) Luckily, she said I was about an 8! finally some progress. I finally felt like I was allowed to say I was "in labor" although the only thing that had really changed was some number. I decided to stop sleeping and get in the tub. About 20 min later, I started feeling pushy at the top of contractions. Debbie said, "are you complete" I said I dont know but my body is pushing. :) She let me go with it. For the next two hours, my stupid irregular contractions continued to be unpredictable. Over that time I started pushing a few more times with each contraction. At one point I remember mom saying, I bet the baby will be here by 10:30. I looked at the clock and it was about 10:10. I smiled to myself and thought...Silly mom! I was making good progress, but I was not going to shoot this baby out. I had brandon hold a mirror for me to watch and I kept my hand down there to protect myself. I remember the first time I felt her head, it was so encouraging. At this point I did not feel tired or frustrated, I felt strong and ready to see my baby. I am proud of this part of my labor. I know there is nothing I could have really done to help the first part go better or differently, but this part was something I felt like I did right. At one point I did feel like i had torn and then I just pushed her out because I thought the damage was already done. Luckily, I had not torn already and I did not tear at that point either. At 11:45 am, I was holding my sweet 6lb 12 oz baby girl Nora Kate! She was so sweet. I remember saying, She has no eyebrows. I am proud to tell you she has them now, although they are blonde and hard to see. :) So anyway, It was worth the 33 hours it took to get her here. It was worth the 9 months of pregnancy to grow her and it was worth the year of waiting to get pregnant. I love this baby, and yes I plan to do it again.

Great Expectations!

2011-01-19T13:18:00.000-08:00

So here we are. I feel like I have been pregnant for about 2 years! Not because I am uncomfortable or have a huge baby, but because I have had this mindset of expectation for 2 years. After the miscarriage I spent the next 10 or so months trying to get pregnant again. Finally I did and for the last nine months I have been planning for Nora. I love being pregnant with her. Many people have expressed disgust with my glowing attitude toward growing a huge belly and not having too many complaints, but I feel very blessed. The first trimester almost did me in. I was anxious about losing another baby, I was nauseated and threw up many mornings from the icky smell in my kitchen. I did not want to eat, but knew that protein was my friend. It was hard times, man. Then enter the second trimester. There is nothing better, I am pretty sure. I felt happy, I felt cute from the emergence of this little belly. I got to find out the gender of my baby, and I could eat again! I admit I was slightly dreading the third trimester. What would happen to my body, would I be sore, tired angry? Honestly it has not been that bad. I am just now at 38 weeks having some trouble getting comfortable in my own bed, but once I can calm myself down and get into a semi comfy position, I sleep really well. This post is not to be braggy, but the way, I just really wanted to share my experience. My girl will be here any day. I cannot wait to meet her. I have been playing with her for the last few months. I think I will know her pretty well when she makes her appearance.
I do not know exactly how she will change my life. I still plan to finish school and try to work. I have never wanted to be a stay at home mom, but now that I am getting closer to having her, I get sad to think about leaving her with someone else. I am sure i will get used to it though. I do have a baby wrap though and I plan to use it so that no one will even know I have my baby with me. :)
As I am nearing the end, I can almost understand why people want to have early babies, against the recommendation of the March of Dimes. :) I always thought they were doing it because they were uncomfortable or selfish or just did not want to be pregnant anymore (actually I still believe that about people), but maybe deep down they are just so excited to meet their little ones. Maybe they are just going to burst if they cannot hold her in their arms! Maybe they want to share the joy they are feeling with others. I dont know, its just a thought.

Debt forgiveness

2010-09-01T18:13:00.000-07:00

Ok so I think it is always appropriate to share good stories, so here is mine for today. I got a phone call this morning from a Collections Agency. The lady said she was calling on behalf of an online listing company that I had agreed to work with and then we never paid them. The background on this for me is that I know I have had many confusing phone calls from this company and I am always like, "sorry this is not my job to discuss advertising or marketing" and I have them speak with the correct people. The lady told me she had a recorded conversation of me agreeing to pay this very large amount of money. I asked her if I could please listen to the recording. She agreed. So as I began to hear this conversation, I could not believe my ears as this lady slyly verified my listing information (for work), then she said "can I send an invoice to you or a PO?" I sounded a bit confused and I said she could send an invoice. Then she said, "ok I will send an invoice for $499.95 to you." I said (very confused) "Wait, what" and she repeated the part about sending me an invoice only this time did not even say the price.
As I am listening to my own stupid self, I start BAWLING. Not like sweet little tears running down my little cheeks, but like ugly cry, red eyes, blotchy face sobbing. I am sitting there thinking, how could I have done this. Mercy and Truth can't afford me making a mistake like this....what was I thinking! I mean I was very upset. So anyway, the debt collector is back on the phone and she realizes I am crying (mostly because you would have to be deaf to not realize it at this point) so she starts saying, "megan...are you crying?...PLease stop crying...Megan, I do not understand what has made you this upset." for a few minutes she tries to understand me through sobs. Then she asked me to hold for a minute. When she got back on she said, "ok megan you HAVE to stop crying so I can tell you the good news." I did not really stop crying because at this point you cannot really stop the cascade of emotions that have over taken me, but I did my best. Then she said, ok it sounds like you made a mistake. I talked to my supervisor and he said I could cancel this debt for you.
At this point the last thing you should do is give me a new reason to cry (happy tears this time), but I did my best to hold them back. I kept thanking her and apologizing for my outburst. Then we talked for min about my pregnancy and Mercy and Truth. She asked me to promise I would never talk to online advertisers again and I did. Then she said she would pray for me and my new little family. :o
I have never had much of a "testimony." Although I truly believe we are all sinners and have much to be saved from, I have never really been able to identify with stories in the Bible that talk about the weight that forgiveness can take off of a person. I really felt like I had done something bad. Something that was definitely my fault, no matter how innocent of a mistake it was and for a moment I knew that I was guilty of something I could not make better. When she literally canceled my debt, she had done something for me that I never could have done for myself/mercy and truth. Anyway, the parable parallels are fairly obvious so i will stop, but I had to share my debt forgiveness realization. And I promise to try to be equally as gracious. I will not be the guy in the Bible that got forgiveness and turned around and demanded what was owed to him. And I promise not to talk to anyone on the phone again....EVER.

Mommy granola (or anybody really)

2010-05-04T07:18:00.000-07:00

I am not ready to write part two of my health care blog yet. Today, I want to blog about my granola. I tried Shannon's granola last night at mama's group. It was so good and I know it was healthier than what I normally make and it was so rich and yummy. So I thought I would give it a whirl with what I had. Also on my mind was what a momma needs during the first few days/weeks post partum.

3 c rolled oats (toasted on 150 for 15 minutes or as long as it takes you to get everything else ready.)
1/2 c chopped walnuts
1/2 c almonds (soaked for 24 hours if possible. I did it for about 20 min and it was an amazing difference.)
1/4 c sunflower seeds (you can add pumpkin seeds too if youd like.)
2 T flax seeds (these can also be soaked)
1/2 c dried coconut flakes
1/8 c dark chocolate chips(I might add these after I bake it next time)

1/2 c black strap molasses
1/2 c maple syrup (I might not have used that much actually I forget)
1/8 c water
2 T oil
1tsp cinnamon
1 tsp nutmeg
1/4 tsp salt

mix the dry in one bowl
mix wet in other bowl
pour wet over dry
put on cookie sheet and bake at 350 for 30 minutes (stir half way through)

To make these even better for new mommies I can add Brewer's yeast which will help with milk production. Also the Oats help with this. This recipe is also awesome because it has molasses which has iron and calcium which is so great for energy and every new mom needs extra calcium when breastfeeding.
I might also figure out a way to use apricots which are great for getting your bowels moving well.
OK I hope you are

the healthcare bill

2010-04-09T08:20:00.001-07:00

Here is my political stance. I know you didn’t ask for it, but here it is. I don’t like politics. I think government is necessary and chaos would quickly ensue if we take away rules and regulations. I also think we are too selfish and greedy to not have someone making decisions for the greater good (hopefully). That being said, I am a Christian. I personally want the church to step up and be in charge of caring for people and see their actions making it easier for people to live, especially people who get tangled in the systems set in place by our government who is trying to (hopefully) work for the greater good.
One thing that makes me madder than a hornet is when the church becomes political. I think there is a fine line between getting involved politically, living peaceably with decisions made by the government, and wholeheartedly siding with an existing political party. The latter of these I believe to be unchristian…. You heard me; I believe this is down right wrong. To believe that one party is trying to govern this country with Christian values and the other is completely evil is naïve and just silly. I believe that neither party is or could ever be completely Christian. So church…. please stop following one or the other blindly. Use your head!
This sort of blog is usually inspired by an election. I hate election time, because that is when Christians become especially annoying to me. They start talking about ungodly politicians and godly men of the Republican party. This is annoying. I feel bad for both men (and sometimes women). How can anyone live up to that, or overcome it as the case may be.
I often find myself siding with and voting for the Democratic candidate. Not necessarily because I agree with everything he/she will do or has done, but in order to balance out the Christians that blindly follow the republican ticket. With the recent passing of the Healthcare bill, I will admit that I do not know the future of healthcare and what exactly this bill will mean for us/me. What I do know is that change is necessary. We cannot keep living with the way things are going. If you do not know anyone who has suffered under the current system, you need to get out more. Will there be problems with the new system, yes, but I will say it again, we cannot continue to live under the current system. If you think you do not like the new system…I first of all encourage you to know what you are talking about before you claim you do not like it. Then, figure out what you do not like and let change start with you. How can you change your current way of life to avoid what you think you don’t like about the bill? If you are about to lose your current insurance, what is the best decision you can make for your family? Is there a way you can live more simply and start creating a Health Savings Account for your family? Are there people you are committed to living with and saving your money with in case of emergency? Are you a healthcare provider with a skill that can help people get the care they need or the preventative care they need to avoid serious medical costs? THIS IS OUR CHRISTIAN DUTY!!!! This is what Jesus life shows us. How many times in the Bible do you remember Jesus talking about the medical system of Jerusalem or Galilee? Yeah I can’t remember that being referenced either. BUT how many times can you remember him showing an example of caring for someone or asking someone to make a sacrifice so that someone else could have a better life?
So what can you do? How can we make a difference in light of or in spite of the changes being made in Washington?
So there it is. Now you know why I storm out of churches that preach politics and republican values. Now you know why I vote democrat. I think I have more to say about our Christian response to politics, but this is it for now.
Peace

Go Alkaline or go Home

2010-01-19T14:18:00.000-08:00

I try to avoid things like New Years Resolutions or really anything that seems like a fad or will not last. That being said, I will tell you that Brandon and I took the New Year as a chance to make some healthy changes. We always "try" to be healthy with our eating and stay pretty active, and I think we do a good job, but there was room for change. I believe in making changes slowly if you are going to be successful. I have been looking into the Alkaline diet. This would be a huge change for us to go completely alkaline (which would also mean going mostly Vegan.) I don't think we are there yet. We like meat and I am not ready to completely give up yummy things. Some people talk about taking an 80/20 approach. That means going 80% good and allowing yourself 20% slack. If you want to know more about all of this, you should research it and I can share some yummy recipes if you want.
This change has made me do some thinking though. As I was talking to a friend the other day about the changes, he said, why are you doing this, you do not need to loose weight. This is sooooo not about losing weight. I think weight can show a lot about what is going on inside a person, but there are a lot of people walking around with sick insides and we might never suspect from the outside. I have suspected for awhile that I was sick. I have had symptoms for a long time that many doctors have looked puzzled by or said, well you are too young for the things your symptoms suggest so lets just wait and see what happens. REALLY? You want me to wait and see if I get cancer before we do anything about this?
I will not go into detail about my "problems" because it is gross and not the point. The point is, I am not going to wait for my body to get really sick. I want to prevent horrible things now.
So it's been about 3 weeks on the new diet. I have done a pretty good job of sticking with the change. Although I cannot see inside my body, I can tell you that I feel better. It could be a placebo effect though, so I will tell you that a major positive sign is that I am becoming more regular. (Sorry if that is gross, but it tells me a lot about what is going on inside.) Another perk of eating healthier is a cleaner kitchen. I am not using meat every day in my cooking, and that makes me feel good about the cleanliness of my kitchen. I have never had food poisoning and I think I am good about cleaning, but it is always in the back of my mind and it is freeing to know that I can eat my food raw or cooked and it wont hurt me. One thing that I need to research a little more is the money thing. It seems like it could cost a lot of money to buy fresh (and sometimes organic) foods, but compared to buying meat and buying foods that i never use, I think it is going to save a lot. It also helps that I plan the meals off of recipes and try to only buy enough for the week and use it all before I go to the store or market again. I have found websites that tell me the best things to buy organic and the things that do not really matter as much as long as they are washed. I try to buy nuts, beans, and grains (rice, quinoa) in bulk.
Anyway, I just wanted to organize my thoughts a little about this new endeavor. I am sure it will evolve (like our low carb adventure did.) but I am getting good things out of this and I think we will just keep making more hardcore positive changes.

Happy Christmas

2010-01-01T11:00:00.000-08:00

So this is Christmas
And what have you done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
Ans so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young

A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
For weak and for strong
For rich and the poor ones
The world is so wrong
And so happy Christmas
For black and for white
For yellow and red ones
Let's stop all the fight
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
And so this is Christmas
And what have we done
Another year over
And a new one just begun
Ans so this is Christmas
I hope you have fun
The near and the dear one
The old and the young
A very merry Christmas
And a happy New Year
Let's hope it's a good one
Without any fear
War is over over
If you want it
War is over
Now... "

John Lennon
Happy Christmas

Pain with a Purpose?

2009-09-15T07:59:00.000-07:00

James begins by saying, " Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4)
Come on James, what the hell? Who leads with that? Cant you start by giving thanks, or telling us your story, or better yet, a genealogy? No you have to start with the heavy stuff.
I do not think verses like this are for new Christians or for people who have not wrestled some with theological issues. And this is definitely not for someone who has not experienced the love of God or the extraordinary life of Jesus. So, here we go.
I think that suffering is a hard issue. Hard times either strengthen our faith or destroy it. My fear when I go through hard times is that I use "my faith" as a crutch. I don't want to be extra-religious in tough times and then forget about it all when times are easy. Or worse, I don't want to only praise God when I notice that he is good and "gives me good gifts." So this is my dilemma. This was a kinda crappy summer for me and my family. Spring gave me so much hope. Hope of new life, moving to a new place, and new experiences. Then it all came tumbling down and I could not justify anything that happened or see God working at all.
Then, to top it all off, here comes James, telling me to count it all joy!?!
I am a nurse at a birth center and have the pleasure of working with the pregos from the beginning. As I interview the ladies, I always want to know how they are feeling and if they are having any symptoms so I can make sure they are healthy and baby is doing well. During these interviews, especially in the beginning, I hear things like, well I throw up a lot or feel really nauseous, I am tired all the time, I cant go five minutes without peeing. Normally when I hear that someone doesn't feel well, I get this sad, compassionate look on my face. Not with these women. As they tell me these issues, I shake my head in affirmation and get this sick smile on my face. These women's ailments are so reassuring to me as their nurse. I know that symptoms usually are a sign of hormonal shifts which mean the body is doing what it is supposed to do. I can relate to James a little. Although we sound crazy, we are telling our listeners to count "suffering" as joy because we know the good result. I know the alternative of no symptoms (not that you have to have symptoms, because sometimes you do not). But the alternative to no pregnancy symptoms is no pregnancy. No future hope of new life. No beautiful end result. And James likewise knows the alternative to no suffering as a christian (not that you have to have suffering to be a Christian, because sometimes you do not). But the alternative to no trials during your life with Christ, is life without Christ. No beautiful end result, No future hope of new life. (this is a loose metaphor and probably there are better ways of articulating what I am trying to say, but think about it. It makes sense to me.)
As a woman who has never been pregnant past 8 weeks, and never delivered a baby, I know I am not allowed to judge anyone for complaining or accusing anyone of being a wimpy person, BUT as someone who has gone through a miscarriage, and walked with others through their own miscarriages, I find myself getting angry at women who complain about pregnancy symptoms throughout a pregnancy and never have anything good to say about it. I think they are selfish. If they only knew how precious this experience is. If they only knew that what they are taking for granted could be taken from them in an instant. If they knew the pain of the alternative, maybe they would view these symptoms as blessings. Maybe they would smile after tossing their cookies every morning. I don't know.
So upon reflection, maybe James feels the same way about me. I am in the midst still. I cant see the bright side, yet. But James says count it all joy. Paul says to press on for the prize. Do I have enough faith to trust that these trials are better than the alternative. Is it possible that James knows that the best is yet to come. Has God seen others live this life and make it to the other side to realize the joy that comes in the morning? I think it is possible. I am striving to not be selfish as I experience these growing pains.
I cannot explain my trials. There is nothing redeeming about the lose of an unborn baby, but I said blessed be your name. I said I would praise you when the darkness closes in. So here I am. I give you my right to selfishness. I give you my pains. Thank you for listening to my complaints and helping me realize that there could be a reason for the pain.

I love my job

2009-08-05T13:50:00.000-07:00

I love my job. Maybe I dont say it enough. (Maybe I say it too much and you feel like I am rubbing it in.) Either way, I love it, and I think that is important. There are many times in my life when i felt like I was on a stepping stone. Whereever I was was not an end point. I usually enjoyed the stages of life, but I am finally at a place where I feel very content. There are things that I want and places I want to go, but as far as jobs go, I want to stay where I am at for awhile. I cannot imagine anywhere else in Kansas City where I would want to work.
I work at Mercy and Truth Birth Center. I am currently a nurse at the birth center. In nursing school I remember thinking that I should try to work somewhere other than labor and delivery because I assumed everyone wanted to work in that field. Untrue. I do not think it is for everyone. Also I never wanted to work in a hospital. People always told me I would have to get some general hospital experience before doing anything that i wanted to do. Also untrue. I have been at Mercy and Truth for a year now. August 3, 2008 was the first birth I got to be a part of. (there were two that day!) Looking back I realize that I have learned sooooo much. It makes me happy that I have come a long way and makes me wonder where I will be in a year.
I was at dinner the other day with someone, and I asked if he enjoyed his job. He kinda smiled and said, "not really... Somedays I don't mind it. I really miss teaching" It seems like a lot of people feel that way. He is in a career that he sometimes likes because he feels like he needs to make a certain amount of money to support his family. I can totally understand the need to provide for your family and I appreciate that his family is comfortable and he is not in debt (that I know of), but I feel so sad for people that are not content in their careers. I think you can make the best of anything, and some people just haven't found that thing that they love, but to stay in a job that you dont like when you have other options is hard for me to understand.
I think this is a blog that would make a good discussion. What do other people think about this? Is it more important to live comfortably or to be happy with your work?

How you doin?

2009-06-26T19:41:00.000-07:00

Here I am. I sure am a busy girl. Lots of stuff happens in between my posts. I like blogging because I am not good at talking. Unless of course you have drugged me with a latte or a coke. (a little trick my mom learned when I was in the pits of "end of college depression".)
So about 2 weeks ago, my baby died. I was 7 1/2 weeks pregnant and she (I think it was a girl) died; without any warning. Early on in my pregnancy (before I knew I was pregnant) I had a dream. I delivered my baby. I saw her! She was so beautiful. I remember loving her so much. After a few minutes of holding her and loving her to pieces, someone took my baby. They pretended like they were showing her off, but I wanted her with me. My midwife (it happened to be Debbie) finally got her back for me. Then she said that the adoptive parents were ready for her. While in the dream it made sense, I could not let this happen. Whatever decision I had made before was wrong. I could not bear to lose my baby. I spent the rest of the dream trying to figure out a way to keep her.
So when I found out I was pregnant, I held on to parts of this dream. I loved the parts I remembered about seeing her and loving her so much. But I forgot all about the adopting part. One morning I woke up convinced I was having twins. I could not let it go. On Tuesday of that week I forced Grace to give me an ultrasound. I had to know, even though I was determined not to have a lot of ultrasounds. After some searching, I saw her. My little sprinkle was just hangin out in her little sac. Her little heart just pounding away. Two days later I miscarried (by the way, I hate that term. It sounds like I did it wrong...and belive me I did not do anything wrong. Very negligent, stupid people carry babies to term, so I am sure I did not "mis- carry".) Anyway, the point of all of this is that I am dealing with the loss of a baby. Early miscarriages are a very strange thing. You feel crazy sometimes for grieving something you barely had and never really felt. But I assure you she was there. I am telling you I saw her and her tiny little heart beat. She was real and it is ok to feel that loss.
So how am I doing? I am fine. I am changed. I still love my job. I love pregnant ladies and love watching them deliver their babies. Grace said it really well. I am not jealous because that's not my baby. I am not angry with them because their baby lived and mine did not. I am so happy for them and I love their babies. I am lucky to have had a pregnancy even if it was short lived. I am so lucky that I could love my baby for a short time. I dont think my baby was adopted like in my dream, but I do think the feelings are the same. I still find myself trying to figure out a way to get my baby back, but I cant. She is gone. Even if I get pregnant again, THAT baby is gone and it will always be sad.

Love without fear

2009-02-24T06:37:00.001-08:00

Maybe I will just blog once a quarter. I apologize to all my readers. It's not just you I am neglecting; my journal is very similar to this blog....empty.
I am here "studying" at javanut. I am sitting upstairs so I can see out the window onto 39th St. I love 39th St. I don't want to live on it, but as long as I live in KC, I want to be close to it. I used to be a little afraid of the city (please understand that I do not think KC is comparable to New York or LA or even Chicago, but if you grew up where I did, thinking Indianapolis was "the big city" you will understand. THere is something different about these people. As a people, there is a sort of brokenness that has turned into this freedom. People do not seem as worried about being perfect or expecting perfection of others. People are more likely to talk to strangers. Everyone looks different. Not only is there diversity in race, there is a diversity in clothing and hair styles. In my home town I feel like there is a need to fit into a certain lifestyle. Some people are naturally good at it. They grew up learning how to do it and they assume the role nicely. Others try really hard to be like that. I grew up thinking I had to find a job, have a family, live in a nice house and be quiet. No one actually said these things to me, but I did not want to be different. I felt scared to not be perfect.
One day I realized, I am not perfect. I cant be "that". I don't want to be "that." There are people who are that and that is fine. I do feel bad for anyone that is scared to not be perfect though because I am not sure they can feel things or experience things fully.
I love Westport. I man walked by the front porch of this coffee shop and put something small down by one of the posts. My first thought was, Dear God is that a bomb...is he going to bomb java nut? (Ridiculous) My next thought was, You know what, I bet that is drugs. I bet someone will come by and pick it up in a minutes. Maybe they already paid for them and this is where they pick it up. (THis coffeeshop does have some reputation of hosting some pot smokers in my defense.) After I had calmed down and forgot about the bomb/drugs, the man walked by again, picked up his cigar, and walked away with his warm coffee drink he had just bought. What an assuming idiot I can be. Where did I learn this paranoia?
Then I saw 2 girls walking east on 39th and then noticed a middle aged man in a Royals hat coming west. If I was alone walking down the street, I might have thought about crossing 39th and pretending to be in the mood for a little jerusalem cafe at 8 o'clock in the morning. Not these girls. They are from westport. I know this because they have short hair that may or may not have been washed this morning depending on how hard core or poser they really are. One had a skirt on in spite of the 35 degree weather, but have no fear she had colorful tights to keep her legs and her ballet shoe covered feet warm. They walked like they owned the street but not in an "Im better than you" way, but more of a "I am so tired from being up with my artist friends last night, I didn't even see you" sort of way. As they approached this middle-aged man, he slowed down. I thought he was going to do the unthinkable in my sharpsville paradigm and talk to them. (complete strangers). Then after they passed him, he bent down and picked up a piece of trash that was on the ground and put it in his grocery bag, which I had assumed was being carried to hide his addiction to the alcohol inside.
Although these are true events, my reactions are of course exaggerated. I have come a long way. These thoughts although ridiculous are not to far off from thoughts I have had. Most of the time the thoughts are fleeting, but I wish they never came at all. There is a time for fear and a time for caution, but I do not want to live my life in fear. Not when these people are so great. Not when middle-aged men in royals caps are picking up trash from the street. Not when guys who smoke are thoughtful enough to put their cigars down while they go get their coffee, and don't bomb the coffeeshop.
I want more for the next generation. I want my kids to talk to strangers but learn to discern better than me. I know the don't talk to strangers kick was to protect us, but now I have a hard time loving.
Teach us to love without fear and in doing so protect us from evil because it is out there, but we can't assume it is in every person.

Christmas time is here

2008-12-18T15:31:00.000-08:00

So its been awhile. It is Christmas time. I ....like Christmas time. I am cautious however because with that statement can come a lot of misunderstanding. What one thinks Christmas means might not be what I mean that I like. What I mean is, I like quiet nights. I like the stillness of snow. I like beautiful things and when snow first falls it is beautiful. I like good excuses to drink coffee or other warm drinks. I think Christmas decorations are so pretty. (not the jewelry ones though). And I love seeing family. But sometimes all of this goes sour....and fast. Cold weather ruins things and plans fail. People get hurt or damage their property. Sometimes warm drinks make you stay up all night or have to go to the bathroom too much. Sometimes christmas decorations look like jewelry or they start fires. Sometimes i dont get to see "my family" and then Im sad, and if it hadnt been Christmas time I would not have thought to miss them so badly. So now you are thinking, thanks a lot megbo, You just depressed me and made me think of all the downer things you think about sometimes. ...Sorry, I just want you to know why it is hard for me to express how I feel about Christmas. I am sad about how crazy everyone gets about gifts. I hate that I feel like a bad friend because I dont like to give gifts because it seems so cliche and not to mention it is expensive to love people as much as I want to. And dont even get me started out Jesus and Christmas. In order to not go crazy about what we have done to Jesus' birthday, I have completely separated church Christmas from world Christmas. Its hard to explain and I may sound like I am trying to justify the "secular version" but I think it might be necessary. So here is what I propose....Lets decorate. Lets sing songs that make us forget how freaking cold we are. Lets drink warm drinks and wear ugly sweaters. Lets even exchange a gift or two if that is the best way to express your love, but lets use the stillness. Lets not forget to rest. Lets not forget to be quiet. Lets not forget the one who makes the seasons. Or the one who created stillness, or warm drinks or ugly sweaters. Jesus came not so that we could have crap to open up, but to bring peace. Sometimes the best way for me to remember that is to live simply and as unselfishly as I can.
I have to go now....we are having an ice storm. Maybe tomorrow I will blog on how to deliver your baby at home because now I am worried that a few patients might have to do that.

miracle

2008-10-13T11:47:00.000-07:00

Miracles do happen I guess. I quit my job last week. I put in two weeks notice. I made it through the first week without any of my coworkers finding out. I really did not know how to tell them and I was genuinely afraid of their responses. Some of these women are loose cannons. They complain about things you would never dream are a big deal. So anyway, today my boss sends out an email that mentions my resignation. My heart stopped and I started sweating. Within minutes, everyone would know and I would started getting dirty looks and maybe even death threats, I thought.
A minute later, I hear from over the cubical, "MEGAN BOWNE, what the heck." I start to cringe...here it comes, the you know what has hit the fan. I walk over and say, oh the email? She smiles and says, "hey where are you going?" I tell her and she is happy for me.....HAPPY. wow. Then I think ok, one of them is on my side and happy and understands. This is amazing and I am overjoyed. It is ok now if some of the others are less understanding because one of them is happy for me.
Then Vanessa keeps walking by my cubical. This is what I am dreading. SHe is not afraid to speak her mind and Im about to get it. Luckily I am busy with patients for a bit so she cant interrupt, but no joke she looked in my cubical 5 times.
Finally she catches me alone. She sits down.....and.....SMILES...."congratulations, where are you going? oh that is cool. I am glad for you....I will keep in touch with you..." Really...Me? I thought you couldnt stand me and would be mad at me for abandoning you all. Not only was she not mad at me or glad to see me go, she wants to keep in touch with me...
Ive heard it said that God is mysterious, and faith like a mustard seed can move mountains and such, but I am still in shock and awe.
Way to go Lord.

Aunt Pam

2008-10-01T07:41:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUNT PAM!!!
For those of you who do not know, it is aunt pams birthday. She is a faithful reader of this blog so I will dedicate today's entry to her.
She is my dad's older sister. Some memories of Aunt Pam. When we were little, she used to let us come spend the night at her house. I remember even going to Lafayette when I was little and staying the night. I told her about the boy I was in love with and how I had loved him for a few years and she called it puppy love. I would love to say she was wrong, but she was not. I got over him after about a 5 year crush and now I am married to Brandon who she refers to as Branboo.
I also remember her apartment in Kokomo and I remember she had this "birthday bear." I loved it and thought it was so soft and somehow I ended up being the owner of the birthday bear. That was very nice of her.
Also, for my 16th birthday, I remember that she gave me some lotion and body soap. Being an aunt myself these days, I know realize that it is hard to by for nieces....YOu just never know what they will like. BUT the cool thing about that gift was, the "brand" was San Francisco, and the real gift was a trip to San Francisco that summer for the wedding of a 2nd cousin I had never met. During that trip I got to meet a bunch of my grandma's family that I had never even heard of . It was very cool. Thats how AuntPam is. She likes to do creative things for people. So I hope this creative blog will make her very happy today.
Love you Aunt Pam....Have a happy Birthday!!
Megan

Being good to our bodies

2008-09-23T10:25:00.000-07:00

Why do I eat things I dont like very much? Sometimes you have to try something before you know if you will like it. And in that case, if you dont, throw it away right? But I constantly keep eating things that I dont like that much. For example, there was a store bought cake for a birthday today at work. By the way there are celebrations at least once a week at most places I have ever worked. For some reason, we convince ourselves that we are "treating" ourselves on these occasions, but if it is that often, it is actually part of your regular eating habits! So anyway, I got a large piece of this cake (also, just because the store precuts huge pieces, does not make that a "serving size.") and I took it to my desk and ate about half of it. It was ok, but probably not worth the sugar/fat in the end. I dont even feel like eating the cake helped celebrate margarita's birthday.
Now I am not dieting, or trying to loose weight, but that does not give me an excuse to eat whatever I want. So lets try to be better. Lets eat when we are hungry, stop when we are full. Lets remember that the things we put in our body actually help or hinder our bodies performance. We may not see the effects right away which makes it hard to remember, or we may not put 2 and 2 together when it does produce an immediate response, which makes us dumb, and makes it hard to remember....Its not rocket science people.

Finding Contentment

2008-09-18T09:32:00.001-07:00

Is it possible that when we strive to be more content, we sometimes cause ourselves to be less content.
My whole life I wanted a boyfriend. I knew that as soon as I had a boyfriend, I would be truely content. Every once in a while, I would be reminded that as christians, we need to be "content in Christ." He needs to be what satisfies us. That makes sense, but also I wanted a boyfriend. There were times I was very hard on myself and made myself feel terrible because I thought there was something wrong with my Christianity since I wasn't content in Christ alone! I think most of us would excuse my lack of faith and say my desires were reasonable and excusable.
Well, this wont be a suprise to anyone who knows me, but all my dreams came true in 2007. I got my long awaited boyfriend. I do admit I was in a much better place in my life than I had ever been before which was very helpful when I met Brandon, but having this person in my life really did give me what I would call a new found contentment....Is this to say I had never been "content" before? NO WAY! But it was something I desired for a long time that I finally had. It was great.
Unfortunatly, the truth was, I did not desire I boyfriend, I desired a person that would be my husband. It was not enough just to know that he "liked" me, I wanted to know that I was it and he wanted to commit to me for the rest of his life. (Please know that I really was in a good place and the thing with brandon was extremely special and different than any other dating experience I had ever had which was why I knew I wanted him to want to marry me. I was not so desparate that I had to marry the first guy I was serious about.) Is it possible that I felt some dicontentment even with a boyfriend. Why was I doing this to myself? All my dreams had come true right?
Now we are in the present. I am four months in people. My new dreams came true and I can finally have contentment right? Welllll....There's more. I still want more. I am American. We are taught from a young age to want, right? Not because we dont have but because almost nothing is denied. I am learning to find balance between contentment and desire. I dont want to be stagnant. I dont want to stop short of "the plans He has for me." So lets redefine content. Or maybe I just have a bad understanding in the first place. I think contentment is a state of mind that we constantly have to adjust. I have to let myself make plans and have dreams without being hard on myself for not being content. BUT I also have to bring myself back to the present. I need to live here and be positive about what is real and now.

America

2008-09-11T11:51:00.001-07:00

I have an American flag t shirt. There I said it. I’ve had it for awhile and although I do not wear it often, I have kept it in my drawer. On Memorial Day this year, I told my husband, I’m going to wear my America t shirt. For those of you who do not know, I am part of a young group of middle class Americans that is struggling to understand our identity in a country that makes decisions for the world that we do not always agree with. For the sake of this post, I will not assume that any of my readers agree completely with anything I say or project that you all think the same way that I do on issues.
I grew up very patriotic. I teared up to the sounds of the national anthem, and proudly sported red white and blue on national holidays. I felt proud of my nation because we are the best….Right? And I felt a real comradery with fellow Americans when it came to defending ourselves as a country whether in war, the Olympics, or any other time our “great(est)ness “ was in question. I loved songs like “I’m proud to be an American” and “God Bless America.” I remember my churches 4th of July cantatas that included songs such as these and also songs written specifically about God in America with the grand indoor fireworks finale. I lived for these times. They were exciting and gave me the same feelings I had when our high school basketball team would win a big game.
Then something happened. I went to college. I started to learn about the world, and America’s place in the world. I learned about wars differently, and decisions our leaders have made that have caused problems in other parts of the world. I was ashamed and disappointed in “the land I loved.” I did not really know what to do.
I did not just grow up an American, I was also a Christian. It was so easy for me to mesh the two. God is the greatest force in all the earth, and America is the Promised Land, right? God loves that America is flourishing and He wants so badly to bring all her people back to Him. God loves to help us in our wars. Of course He is on our side because we are a Christian Nation.
So I think you can see why it was hard for me when I had to separate the two in my mind. As I learned more about God and read the Bible with new eyes, I began to see that Jesus wasn’t just talking about Americans. Jesus loves all people and all nations. I can’t really explain the special place for Israel and all that, but I know that Jesus changed a lot of things and was very inclusive. SO what does that mean for me? How do I live in a place that is so America-centric and learn to love all people. What does it mean to be a Christian in another culture? I think this is also something American missionaries of the past had to learn. They had to learn to present the Gospel of Christ and not the Gospel of America. We are much more culturally aware now due to television and the internet, but I think secretly most Americans still think we are a little “righter” than the other cultures, and many American Christians have not separated the two.
So where am I now? There are times that I think the right attitude to have is complete rebellion and hate America for tricking me. How evil to assume you are the best nation and take it out on smaller countries. How arrogant to teach your young citizens to look on others as unequal and unfortunate. How self-centered to believe that you are the hope of the world and assume that everyone else is jealous and needs your help to survive. But then I remember something else, if I begin to hate America and wish bad things on her, I am no better than she is. I do not fully know how to live peacefully in system I think is corrupt, but the answer can’t be to hate my country that has tried to be good to me for the most part.
So I don’t know the right answer. I don’t know how to express the need for change and reform and still be supportive of a place that I do in fact love. This has turned into a very long blog on America, but I think it is important. Today is the 7th anniversary of 9/11. It is easy to have a lot of emotions today. It is easy to remember the attack on our soil that hurt our pride and gave us a nasty taste of war that most of us have never experienced. If we are angry about the war, it reminds of our national response to the events of 9/11. It makes us mad to think about the “war on Terror” (whatever the hell that means), but I do think it is important to remember the events of that day. To pray for the victims families and the survivors who still have medical problems or mental anguish because of the attack. I was still very patriotic that day and I was even asked to pray at my high schools memorial service. I don’t know how I would respond today, but I do know that I care about Americans. I also care about Muslims. I hate miscommunication and feuds. I hate pride and insecurity that turns to war to solve our problems or to take revenge. I want it to stop, but I won’t become anti- America. That makes about as much sense as a war on terror if you ask me.
In conclusion, I will wear my America t shirt, no matter what assumptions people make from it. I am proud to be an American. Not because we are the best or the greatest country ever, but because it is a beautiful place. The land and the people are incredible despite the flaws that sometimes rear their ugly heads. I am free to write blogs and express my feelings. I am free to praise God (which I question how many wouldn’t if we didn’t have the freedom to do so.) I am free to learn and work and the possibilities are endless. I strive to not let my liberties poison me, and I hope you will do the same.
God Bless the world. Teach us to live in peace and be good to your creation.

Oh the past......

2008-09-04T08:52:00.000-07:00

I miss it. I miss baristas. I miss coming in at 6:30 and starting the machines. I miss the smells. I miss the Keith sandwiches. I miss the customers (except for Dom, she was mean).
I also miss the shelter. I dont miss the fact that I didnt feel like I fit in very well or the complaining, but I miss the kiddos and the babies. I loved what I did there. I loved being needed by little ones and helping them have fun and meeting their every day needs. Sometimes in a way that they had never experienced.

I know I am romanticizing the past and that someday I may even miss the Health Department, but for now I just miss it all. I liked my life before I was a nurse again. I always swore that I wouldn't be a nurse. My fear was/is that I will get caught up in the security that nursing offers me, and forget why I do what I do. It is hard to know sometimes if this is really what I want or if I am doing this because I have to pay for things and prefer a life where I dont have to worry about money.

I need accountability. I need someone to remind me that I dont have to spend money just because I have it. I am not entitled to a new shirt or a nice meal if I feel stressed or have a bad day at work (everyday). So that's the first thing.

And Second, I know I need this road to get to my destination as a midwife. I have never felt passion or a call for anything as much as I have for midwifery. I know this is where I am being led so I need to just be led and not question the journey there, but it is hard. I am all by my self in so many ways. This is mine alone. Others are affected and are there to encourage me and help me along, but mostly I am alone on this road.

So anyway, here I am. I am questioning my call. I am questioning my motives and I think I am mourning a good past. Maybe these are growing pains. (Not to be confused with the muscle pain I have been experiencing in my butt; probably from sitting on my can all day at work being bored.) But whatever I am feeling, I need to be patient, and I need to get an attitude adjustment. I am getting on my own nerves and it sucks. I am tried of complaining and feeling helpless here in my first nursing post. I want change again and I dont know if that is good or bad, but whatever it is, it is happening this spring, and then I will have to make the descision to exhibit some stick-to-it-iveness or I will continue to portray myself as miserable and make myself out to be some sort of victim.

I know that many were expecting a blog about ice cream and my journey to racial reconcilation and peace, but that has to wait because I need more time to think.

Schindler's list

2008-09-03T12:27:00.000-07:00

So Brandon bought this classic movie. I have never seen it before but thought I probably should. It seemed important, ya know. Anyway, we watched it in two sittings. It is very long. I was very surprised. I had all kinds of assumptions, but I guess I had no idea what it was about. First of all, it was made in the 90's...no idea. I saw all of these actors I recognized but hesitated to point them out because I was like, no way, this is so old and they are that age now. Second, Schindler turns out to be a pretty good guy. This whole time when I heard the name Schindler, I thought it was the guy who made up the list of Jews that were to be killed. In actuality, he saved a lot of Jews.
Now I dont want to ruin this for anyone that has not seen it, but I do think it would be a good idea for you to borrow it from us or go rent it.
Alright, I tried to write this without telling the whole premise, but I dont think it is possible so stop reading if you dont want it ruined....
The story is of this rich man who gets the great idea to use Jews as cheap/slave laborers in his factory. He is actually pretty smart. He determines thatpots and pans are the greatest need of society, and he trains jews to make them. The story continues as the Nazi's force the Jews to move to Ghettos and eventually concentration camps. As this happens, Schindler refuses to loose "his workers." He demands that the Nazi's allow him to keep his workers in his factory and forbids them from killing them because he does not want to loose money by training someone else. At first this might really be how he feels but eventually we begin to see him show compassion to jews and at a critical point in the war, he, with the help of his Jewish Sidekick, form a list of over 1000 jews that will be employed in his newest factory instead of going to Auschwitz. At this point his factory is making weapons. This of course seems like the greatest need of the society again, but we soon discover that Schindler secretly hopes his products will prove useless and it is now only a cover to help these Jews... The only problem is, his money begins to run out. If the war had not ended when it did, it is possible that Schindler's factory would have been shut down and who knows what would have happened to the jews?

So this begs the question, would it have been smarter to try harder for a more successful business in order to save more jews?
Or what would have happened if Schindler's heart had been broken sooner? Would less jews have been saved?
His selfishness in the beginning eventually led to the safety of 1100 people, does that justify the fact that he sat and watched as innocent people were murdered?

I dont blame Schindler or any other individual for everything that happened during this terrible time. I also realize that the weight of the world is not on our shoulders. At the end of the movie, the jews give Schindler a ring with this inscription: "He who saves the life of one man, saves the world entire." We say things like this a lot..."if so and so's life inspired one person it was all worth it." or "if this conference brings one person to Christ, our effort is not in vain." I think I have said this before, but I am not sure any of us really think that. I want to. And I hope we all can see the benefit of investing in one person, or the value of each individual, but we want so much more.

Meany

2008-08-13T10:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am mean. Not mean like vindictive or malicious, but mean like inconsiderate or inadvertent self-centeredness. As a 60% introvert, it is my tendency to think and process internally. Sometimes this is very helpful for me. I probably say a lot less judgmental and rude things, because I have time to think about the thought and it is allowed to diffuse, but what about when it does not diffuse. What about when I get lazy in my processing and instead of considering all angles, I let the judgment sit there and fester. Something that started out as an observation can turn into bad thoughts and feelings. For example, I remember when I used to be in college or have other roommates. Maybe I would notice that the corner behind the bathroom toilet consistently was not being cleaned. Sometimes I would clean it and other times I would stare at it. As time went on, I might start cleaning it bitterly and think about all the things I would say to the scumbag that would let us live in filth if I was not around. (THIS IS A FICTIONAL EXAMPLE, BUT A GOOD ILLISTRATION OF HOW I PROCESS AT TIMES). Clearly, the healthy normal response would be saying something like, "hey when you clean the bathroom, would you mind paying attention to that spot? I know it seems crazy but for some reason it always bothers me when it is not clean/" Still a semi crazy request, but at least I wouldn’t be angry and bitter over something the roommate could not possibly know.

Anyway, this is just one example of the dangers of internal processing, and an extreme example at that. All this to say, I am human. I forget that sometimes. I think there is this balance that I can achieve, and I will never have to feel crazy again or something. But the truth is, I am human. I have to put forth effort at times. This might mean learning when to say uncomfortable things or learning how to forgive others for not being able to read my mind.

I think I come to points of realization when I realize I have hurt someone or if I am harboring "evil" thoughts. I unfortunately have been doing both lately. I know I can attribute some of it to hormones and other uncontrollable things, but the truth is, the buck stops here. I have to swallow my pride and get right in my mind.

Funny Story

2008-08-07T15:44:00.000-07:00

So I need to put up a picture with this story, but Im am not sure if I will ever have my camera, internet and time to do that all at the same time. So just the story. I am a nurse therefore I wear scrubs. Today I am sporting the black scrub pants with a trendy, red urbane brand scrub top. So red on Top black on Bottom. (there's your picture)
So my husband came to lunch with me today and as we were leaving, I was apparently walking too fast for him, and he called out: "ease up there 'Pizza Hut,' we arent in a hurry."
It totally caught me off guard as I realized he was calling me Pizza Hut due to my choice in scrubs. He offered to buy me a visor too. He's too much.

Midwifery

2008-08-04T14:33:00.000-07:00

Something you might not know about me, even if you know me well, is that I am semi-obsessed with childbirth. This weekend was my first on call experience as a birth center nurse. It was awesome. I got to assist in not only one but TWO births.
I am planning on starting back to school this spring to become a nurse midwife. I have wanted to do this for a long time. Even in older posts I think I have mentioned this. I got off track after nursing school because I was so frustrated with people telling me I had to be a med surg nurse before I could do what I wanted to do. Well I appreciate the advice, but I have really benefited from all my experiences with out "general nursing experience."
I remember about a year ago driving to Texas with Brandon and saying, "I think I still might want to be a midwife." The conversation sort of stopped because we had just arrived at his brother's house, but that was the first time I had said it out loud since college. I had been working at the shelter and was loving that, but I felt like it was time to pursue my dream.
So here I am a year later. I have passed the NCLEX, I have been working at the Health Department for about 6 monthes, and I am going to start school in the spring. Who knew!
This is a hard job that I am signing up for. The hours are unpredictable, women can be mean to you (until they have their babies), you get filthy, but I love it. You get to be a calming presence. You get to be a hero. And you get to be the first person in the whole world to hold a new person. Thats pretty cool. I figured everyone would be fighting for this job, but apparently not. I think I just figured everyone should think it is as cool as I think it is. But what I really think that says about me is that it is my passion. It gives me energy, even at 4:00 in the morning.

Here I am

2008-07-23T10:41:00.000-07:00

I have decided to blog again. So much has happened so I will use this post to catch up.
I got married on May 10 to Brandon McDonald. He is wonderful. I am sure he will make some appearances in my stories.
I also have taken the NCLEX yet again and passed. I studied very hard and it paid off. Before I even took the test, I accepted a job at the Health Department. I am sure that will come up too.
Now I am working as a family planning prenatal nurse and learning to be a good wife (whatever that means). A lot has changed for the girl on a roadtrip and a little barista in a big city. I have some thoughts. And I cant wait to share them. But for now, know that this is a new chapter in my blog.

Megan McDonald RN
(aka Megbo)

homecoming

2006-11-12T14:48:00.000-08:00

As I was driving to Indiana from Olivet last night, I started digesting my first homecoming. I will admit I did not know what to expect. I was definitly excited. I wanted to see so many people and be back "home." I would say that homecoming was a success. I hate small talk and surfacy conversations with people and my biggest homecoming fear was that I would get a lot of that and not much else.....i was way off. Somehow I saw everyone I could possibly see and I even had time to sit with each one and have good conversation. It was amazing. All of this made me think about my previous blog. I really do feel like this weekend was full of grace. I got a glimpse of the kingdom. I felt loved and accepted and everyone was excited to see everyone else. I loved that. Then as I was getting into my car, I got a voicemail from some coworkers and a customer from KCMO and I was reminded again how lucky I am to be where I am now. So again, why would I ever leave this place? Why would I choose to be away from people who love me and consider me family? because no matter where I go, God continues to allow me to be surrounded by loved ones. MAybe they dont start out as loved ones, but it doesnt always take long to build relationships that mean something and might even last a long time. This doesnt mean that I will be able to have that every place that I go, but I know that the potential exists and that even if they are not physically with me, they are somewhere loving me and the hope of a "homecoming" has to be enough to sustain me in those times.

striving for the impossible

2006-11-08T13:13:00.000-08:00

So there I am in Diane, Kristen, and Jennie's apt trying to read this book that I have been trying to read everytime Im over there, and as I was rereading chapter one, I stumbled upon some great stuff (suff you shouldnt miss if youre really reading this book) so anyway here is parts of this passage by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. After which are some of my thoughts and why it is applicable at this time.

"... Until then, God's people remain scattered, held together soely in Jesus Christ, having become one in the fact that, dispersed among unbelievers, they remeber Him in the far countries.
So between the death of Christ and the LAst Day, it is only by a gracious anticipation of the last things that Christinas are privileged to live in visible fellowship with other Christians. It is by the grace of God that a congregation is permitted to gather visibly in this world to share God's Word and sacrement...."

There is more but mainly it is the same idea. Lately I have had a lot on my mind. One thing I have been thinking about is this place that I am in and the idea that I keep moving in and out of communities. Part of me thinks that I need to just pick a place and declare it my community to be the most useful. Is it right to mess up the order and leave the places we come from. There are a lot of problems that stem from these lives of transition that we live. In many other cultures it is not normal to leave the family/community/tribe. Those places have problems of their own Im sure, but loneliness is different and lack of community strips one of accountability and other things.
So theres that and more personally, I have been considering leaving the country for awhile for some volunteer work. Because of that, I have thought a lot about why I need to leave. I really do feel like I am being used in minstry here and I am surrounded by a great community. Why would I leave that (even though I know it is not a permanent thing that I am a part of here.) So reading this book by Dietrich Bonhoeffer spoke to me. I am so privileged to be here at this time and to be surrounded by "believers." I was also blessed at Olivet and growing up. And yeah, it does seem crazy to willingly enter into something that will probably make me lonely for awhile, but I think thats ok. We all strive to live in security and in community, but that doesnt mean that it will necessarily be possible here all of the time. I do not think we will ever have that security of a lasting community until the kingdom of God is here... whatever that will mean.

Peace, Love, and confusion,
Megan

Its not about me?

2006-10-22T08:05:00.000-07:00

Ive been wanting to blog a little about my newest job. I mostly wanted to update people on my job, but something happened to me today at work that made me think so I chose to write about it instead.
Last Wednesday I worked in the Childrens Center. I loved it. We were swamped. There were 6 kids under the age of 6 and one at school. I had some help but mostly I was on my own. The baby spent most of the day with other advocates so I could give attention to the older ones. One was sick and some of the others are just starving for attention and affection.
Confession, sometimes when I am here I get very arrogant in my mind and pat myself on the back for my patience and compassion. At times I judge other advocates for their attitudes towards clients and try to remind myself that I am new and I dont understand all of this yet.
So today I wanted to go and talk to one of the boys that I spent a lot of time with on Wednesday. I talked with him a lot and helped him read and he even drew me pictures that day, but when I went in today, he did not even recognize me....Not that I changed his life that day or anything, but what a reminder that I am a very small piece of his life and will probably be long forgotten....I guess I just didnt think it would be so quickly. I realize that he has been through a lot and met a lot of strangers over the past week, but it reminded me of my own importance, or lack there of. I do not do this job to be remembered or to be special in these kids lives. I and the other advocates are part of something huge that really is positive and potentially life changing for them, but it is not all about me and I need to be reminded of that often.
I hate to think about where these kids might end up or what statistics show about kids that go through what many of them have gone through, but I know the possibilty exists and it breaks my heart, but that wont stop me from doing what I can to give them a good day every once in a while. I wish I could take each one home and hug them and read with them and talk through things with them, but I cant. Or I wish that I could hand pick families for each one where I knew they would get what they need, but I cant.
What does God think about all of this. How does he trust us with each other; especially when we are babies. What a huge responsibilty that we have. This job at times makes me want to stop and just raise a family of my own. ONe where I can hold the baby and meet it's needs and not have to leave him or her with someone else after 8 hours. But then Im reminded that if that were the case I would easily get wrapped up in that and not be available to care for these babies and women who have needs just as great and even if I cant "fix" each one, I can be a part of their lives and even if it is unappreciated or quickly forgotten, it is important and necessary that I am here.

The best is yet to come

2006-10-08T14:17:00.000-07:00

I have been in conversation with a few people today and it inspired this blog. So here it goes.
At lunch people were discussing church and more specifically, Trinity church of the Nazarene in KC. This is the church I have become a part of. One of the comments about the church was that it is not a "real church." By that what was meant was simply, it is made up of mostly seminary students that have been educated and therefore different things happen and sermons sound differnt than in "normal churches." In another conversation I had, a friend was telling me how she was thinking about how different things will be when she lives in a differnt place or even a different country.
Now here are my thoughts on these conversations. My first thoughts is to agree and say that what we have here is not "normal" at least not what Im used to. Trinity especially is made up of mostly educated seminary students and we do get to here sermons that can be deep and thought inspiring. I get that, but what I think is so cool is that what we are experienceing is becoming part of us and will hopefully spill over into our lives later on. Whether that is when we are pastoring our own church or when we are working as a missionoary in another country. The same thing was true for me with Olivet. I feel like while at Olivet, I was definitely not living in a "real world" but what I leanr at Olivet was how to live in community, and if you have talked to me or visited KC lately or if you live here you know that the concept of community has spilled over into my life here and what might not have been a "real world before prepared me for something that is definitely real to me know and I think that is very cool. And might I just say, I am very excited about what I am being prepared for.

2006-10-02T21:24:00.000-07:00

Confession: right now I feel like I am writing a clinical journal.

I just got done working 13 hours at two different jobs. I worked for about 6 hours at the shelter tonight which was really good for me. I got to see a lot of things that I had not seen yet and do things I had not done yet. These are my thoughts on the experience.
First of all let me explain, I have been training for a job at a womens and childrens shelter. I am excited about the job because I always talked about doing midwifery and focusing on the population that is underserved. These women are definately part of that population. I am hoping to learn from these women and I am prepared to make mistakes. I realize I will probably be taken advantage of due to my lack of knowledge and street smarts. But for now, it is my belief that if a client has a request and I have a minute, there is no reason not to do everything I can to help them. I am trying to learn the balance between helping them and doing everything for them. It is hard sometimes to be with other advocates that work differently than I do. I am trying to learn ffrom them, but also do things my own way....This means I have to figure out what works because it works and what is personality.

OK, I am getting very tired and not forming complete thoughts....For now, know that I am happy, healthy, working only two jobs and occasionally looking to the future but realizing things are good right now.

Love,
Megan

PS, this is possibly the worst clincal journal ever. :)

Repentence is for believers

2006-09-24T15:39:00.000-07:00

Its hard to pick one thing to write about so I will try to make all the things I want to say fit together somehow. Todya at church, Josh talked about repentence. One thing that really stood out to me was his comment that repentence is for believers...PLease thing about this and email me or leave a comment if you want to talk about it. This morning was sooo good for me. Church was very meaningful for some reason and all of a sudden, everything was just as it should be. I experienced church/God.
It all started a few days ago.... because I am unsure of my audience at this point, I want to be general in this blog...Anyway, a few days ago, one of my new KC friends made a comment that really convicted me of some things. LIke I said, no details necessary, but even though it was not his intent to make me feel bad or change me, His example called me to repentence. On a similar note, I also was able to lead by example with another friend. so what did I learn or how has this changed me. Does this mean that I am cured of all impure thoughts, or temptation to talk bad about people?....Heck no. It probably means that the temptation will be greater and I will probably catch myself falling into the tempation or justifying things at times. Or will my friend that I have helped be cured forever of what he struggles with....No, not at all. Does this mean that he or I need to sit in a puddle of guilt because we have not been changed or because we are human and we struggle with things? By no means....I thank God that my friend cares enough about me, a member of his community, to stand up to me and call me to a higher standard. I also thank God that I am open to the gentle rebuke or at times the swift kick in the you know what.
I find that one of the biggest disservices the church did to me and many other young church goers is the sense of guilt that we have attached to the conversion experience and repentence. Some people are more prone to guilt than others I am sure, but I watched a documentary last week and one of the saddest things that I saw was a group of children crying at a church camp. the speaker had an alter call after an intense childrens sermon and the children all wanted to recommit their lives and cry, and from experience I know that many of them were experienceing a false sense of guilt. I cannot remember how many times I experienced paralyzing guilt trips as a child and even now.
There is so much more to be said on these things but for now this is it. so now I challenge you to be sensitive to your community and to God. Look for the areas where we can learn from each other and instead of feeling guilty and not good enough, lets figure out how to help each other and look for help from others when we need it.

"I am wrong and of these things, I repent"
~Derek Webb

What have we done?

2006-09-08T07:50:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I have not put much thought into this topic yet. I want to read more and discuss more.

Last night i was sitting with Montague and we were discussing many things, as is many times the case with Montague. We were talking about a paper he has to write for his module and he brought up this topic. He talked about the social justice trend. (This was not the first time I have been exposed to this conversation, Brennan also shed light on this possibility before I came to KC) Anyway, I think many christians our age, especially those recieving theological education, especially from Olivet, are attempting to "break the mold" and become a "new kind of Christian". all this talk of the emergent church and community as our buzz word and especially social justice is really hot right now. GREAT. I do think it is important and I also have bought into this trend and mindset, but I have been holding back a little to be honest. Im scared that it is a trend. Im scared that if I sell all I have to the poor, I will find out that maybe I was wrong or missed the point somehow.
BUt back to the real issue. Montague said something that I had never thought of before. first of all, Christians that are on fire for social justice many times have the mindset that social justice in itself is Christianity. What we all have to consider is the fact that even the "secular world" is starting to notice the poor. Therefore there must be something more to Christianity than social justice. (I dont think I made that point very well and would love for montague or someone to comment and say it better.)
second, are we not somehow redefining holiness in our attempt to rebel against what mom and pop said holiness was? (read that again). OK let me try to elaborate. Back in the day, mainly I am speaking about the time when the Nazarene manual was published, the founders of our denomination looked at the social scene of the day and also at the group of people that they wanted to share the kingdom of God with and they defined holiness by what now seems like a do's and dont's list in order to make church a safe place for her members. This meant that the members decided they would not drink alcohol. They had seen the vicous cycle of alcoholism in themselves and their brothers and sisters and decided that by not taking part they were being strong for those that at times were weak and by not buying into the alcohol industry, they were keeping their money from supporting more alcoholism. this also meant that they stayed away from bars and other social scenes. (Some now argue that we need to be among all types of people and we need to go where they are, whcih may not be wrong to think, but lets not roll our eyes at our founders.) There are other examples such as dancing, but all pretty much have the same story. They looked at their convictions and made life decisions.

So what about us, how does this affect what we are doing today. Many young Nazarenes have turned their backs on some of the legalistic rules set forth by our forfathers. We can be found in bars and clubs and even.....movie theatres. To this I say...OK I get it, lets not follow rules for the sake of following rules. If someone has a drinking problem or struggles because of movies then I say lets be strong for our brother. I pray that nothing but Jesus has control over our lives, and we need to be accoutable to each other to strive for that goal, but if Im honest, thats not what our generation cares about. To us, like I said before, it is just a bunch of rules that we long to rebel against. so how are we going about this rebellion?' We look around the world, and we see what many other people see and that is hurtig and dying people. Eventually we ask the questions and we realize that we might beable to help. Maybe somehow we are the oppressors. Middle class america can do something, we think. So first of all, we make it a christian cause, and then we start building the structure. This is what it might look like to stop oppression. We buy fair trade, we dont dare shop at Walmart, we look for ways to "screw the man" and for heavens sake we do not buy corporate anything (namely starbucks). I applaud all efforts to stop oppression. I love every individual who makes the decision to live simply, and I think there is a reason that this is our cause, but we have to make sure that we realize that not everyone will experience God in this way. social justice is necessary for us to enter into crucifixion, and to help lead others into ressurection (Thank you Montague), but lets not get too carried away. Lets not rewrite the manual to say, thou shall not shop at walmart. Lets stay in converstaion with one another and do our part to live as Jesus without mandating what the christian life must look like.

I hope I articulated this somewhat well. and I hope its not something that everyone who reads this has already wrestled with and I am just the last person to think about it, but please respond if you have thoughts on this.

2006-08-30T21:49:00.000-07:00

Usually I write when I am overwhelmed or have something to "say", but tonight is mainly an update. I was sad for awhile because I was thinking about how Olivet probably started classes today. So why am I not as sad anymore? I will tell you why by telling you what I did today. First I had another job interview (I will explain later) Then I came home and took a nap, read, painted, played some instruments, went to community dinner with Jake where we decided that after Kristen and I went running, we should throw Montague a surprise birthday party after his module. SOOOO we did. we bought a cake, and icecream and invited everyone that we knew that might be able to come.

All this is to say, that I am surrounded by "Olivet." Whatever that actually means. Im really not trying to rub it in to people who are lonely right now, the dame way that people who are still in college are not trying to rub it in by being excited about seeing old friends or preparing for Ollies Follies. All Im saying is that this place is not so bad and I am seeing the reasons why I am here....Infact, I will probably be here longer than I thought which is sort of exciting and gives me a sense of ease. But definately the best thing about living here is the community. It is so nice to enter a place with some sense of familiarity. This is not to say that I am not trying new things or meeting new people....On the contrary, I am being continually stretched and introduced to not only new people, but new kinds of people. (and the people I already "knew" were mainly just acaintances before and now...after a few weeks....I am starting to consider good friends....friends like ive never had before)

Sometimes I think to myself that I shouldnt have moved here....maybe it is too familiar and too easy...BULL. I dont know why I do that to myself sometimes....Sure there are times I need to be uncomfortable and stretched, but Im learning that growth can happen even when I have a support system. Actually it probably helps me to make sense of it faster. These people help me not freak out. I have already learned a lot through them and I am excited about being here....Thats right, Im excited. Im not scared or depressed or feeling regretful. I have hope for the future and I feel a sense of peace. but not complacency.

Two steps back

2006-08-24T10:06:00.000-07:00

You know the movies or TV shows where the the main character just cant win. No matter what they do, they keep digging a bigger hole for themselves and eventually it all falls apart. I know some people who wont even watch those movies because they just feel so uncomfortable the whole time. A few exmples are "just friends", "Meet the parents" and "save that dog". Well if you are one of those people who struggles to make it through stories such as these...Read NO Further. There are days when I feel like nothing goes right. I have been accused many times of exagerating so for Beths sake, I will not say that these things always happen, but when your are in the middle of it, it does seem like a constant.

As some of you know I have moved to Kansas City. As some of you might not know, moving and changing residence/banks/insurance/buying a car and changing the title/ every other freaking thing associated with it SUCKS. Today like many days before, I really felt like I cant do anything right. I cant even proof read my stupid last nmae correctly which ended up costing me more money than I probably have in the bank. Even though it sucks a lot to have to continually pay for things like a license or a title to the car or gas, it sucks about 23 times more when you have to pay more because of something that could have been avoided. One of my new least favorite feelings in the world is the feeling you get when something is inevitable but completely out of my control. No amount of tears or explainations or conversations can get you out of it....All it takes is money, which I guess is fine until you dont have extra. then it sucks.

How do some people do it? How do some people pay for accidents without health insurance or much needed car repairs, or the accident that occurs because you didnt have enough money for the needed car repair. I just think I am getting a very small taste of what its like to be stuck in "the system."

And maybe the worst part for me is the reminder when days like this happen, I am for the most part alone. Yes I have some friends and a roomate and even a familymember down here which is more than some and I get that, but there are just some times when you want that one person who either understands because theyve been there, or knows you well enough to just sit on the "veryin" and hold you while you cry or distract you until you can see clearly that its not that bad.

For now I find comfort in my blog (sad, i know) and a distant voice over the phone. I dont want my life to always be like this and all I can do is hope that someday things will change and i will have different stresses. (sad) why do we do this to ourselves?

are you serious?

2006-08-15T20:31:00.000-07:00

I know....we keep coming back to this, but I just dont get it.
I was at the hosptial today with a friend who decided to cut through an artery in his leg. First of all, we were there for way to long just waiting...Dont even get me started on hospital reform. But heres the thing. I wanted to be there so badly. When he said "Guys....I need to go to the hospital"...Something came over me. Im telling you...I am a sick individual, but I got a rush. I knew what to do. I felt so useful and needed. I for a codependent person, that is a good feeling. So as I was sitting there in the waiting room for 4 hours, looking at Nick and other patients and knowing things to look for and anticipating what the doctors and nurses would say, and struggling with the fact that there are people who are equally as stressed about how they are going to pay for treatment as they are about there sickness or injury, it dawned on me. Why am I so turned off by this thing that is second nature to me. Why would I turn my back on what appears to be my calling? Why am I taking a job as a barista and waitress only to feel like a fish out of water and even more insecure than I need to be. I know that the "answer" might be to study, take the NCLEX and apply for jobs, but life happens. Sometimes a million things come up and I have to work to pay bills which takes away from study time. Then there are the less obvious signs like places not existing when you need to get a background check or professors not emailing you necessary documents. Then there are hospitals that make you feel like an idiot and maybe Im not good enough to do it in the first place (that is not keeping me from trying again)
The other thing is that I am not alone. This provides some comfort and company, but it sucks to hear emails from struggling classmates or phone calls from friends in the same boat because not only can I not help myself, my friend is struggling as well and all I can offer is understanding. Dont get me wrong, a lot of times all we need is someone who understands and will just cry with you or hold you, but I know it doesnt end there. This blog does not require comments, but they are welcome. Dont feel bad that you cant fix this. Its ok. I know this is making me better somehow. But I dont understand it yet.

and i want to go back again

2006-08-11T18:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was hard. I dont know why I was so sad, but I was. Sometimes I just dont feel like doing this. I dont feel like growing up. I dont feel like paying insurance. I really dont feel like getting a job. I just feel like Im not living for much and I have no purpose. I know its a little dramatic, but when Im in the middle of these moods I just dont know how to shake it. Its hard to seek jobs when I have no desire to do anything. Its also hard to look for a place in the world when Im not sure what God wants me to do. Ive been reading irresistable revolution and its really rocking my world. maybe Im supposed to screw the system and live in community and love people for a living or somehow bring my "skills" to the community, but what are my skills. Or maybe Im supposed to go to another country and live among them and meet thier needs...Or maybe Im supposed to be in Kansas city working as a waitress or a barista until I can take my dumb test and then get my masters in midwifry so I can be useful in that way.....I dont know. I realize that I dont need all of the answers right now because that would be overwhelming, but somedays I need a clue, ya know. Anyway, today was good....i got over myself and I applied for a bunch of jobs and even had a small interview at Comedy City. It was a better day....I didnt watch elizabethtown and bawl every five seconds like yesterday....Its true. I cry sometimes, deal with it.
I love you all
Megan

Finding myself?

2006-08-06T21:59:00.000-07:00

The road trip is over....Can you imagine. When Lindsey and I got back to Bourbonnais for the night, I was so sad. The only thing left I had to look forward to was Moon Monkey and Tie dye. I mean sure these are two of my favorite things, but both would be better on the west coast if I have to be completely honest with you the reader. There are so many things that this trip symbolized or meant to me and when it was over, I was sad. But over the last couple of days, I have thought about it a little and I am excited for my next step. Tomorrow I am leaving for Kansas City. That will be my new home for awhile. I have no clue what to expect. I dont know what my job will be or who I will hang out with, but I do know that this is going to be a time to really figure out what I want. I have to find a balance between people pleasing and selfishness. I apologize in advance for anyone who might have to experience this search for balance, but its something I have to do. I need to freakin figure out who I am, what I like and what I want. I think I always thought it was selfish to make decisions. Maybe that is a little extreme, but I think I have always tried so hard to figure out who to be around certain people that I forgot to figure out who I like to be. I think i was also afraid to make a decision because then I run the risk of not being allowed to change my mind. If I like/tolerate everything, I will be viewed as easy going or easy to get along with. Maybe its ok to differ in opinion or interests. Maybe its ok if I think I like something and then decide I dont. I dont think I had to travel 5600 miles to figure this out and I dont think this means I found myself, but what I did discover is that if you are searching for something that means it already exists. Therefore, if I am going to find myself, its already there I just have to get comfortable in what already exists or pick out the parts that dont fit and adjust a little. I have a few more things to blog about pertaining to the roadtrip, but for now, know that it was the trip of a lifetime, but we just skimmed the surface...now we know whats out there and we can do whatever we want with it.

Rosie

2006-08-06T21:55:00.000-07:00

This is one of those songs we picked out for the road trip. Lindsey really enjoys Rosie and so do I. Penny (Lindsey) let me listen to this a few months ago as we were preparing and I got to hear it a few times on the trip before my CD player broke. Its sort of like a theme song.

Wedding Dress
Rosie Thomas

so much for love
guess i've been wrong
but it's all right
cuz i'm moving on
i've got my car all packed with cassette tapes
and sweaters and loose change and cheap cigarettes
i'm gonna drive through the hills
with my hand out the window
and sing 'til i run out of words
i'm gonna stop at every truck stop
make small talk with waiters and truck driving men
i'm gonna fall asleep in the back seat
with no one around but me and my friends

it's gonna be so grand
it's gonna be just like my wedding day

i've had enough of love
it feels good to give up
so good to be good to myself
i'm gonna get on the highway with no destination
and plenty of vision in mind
and i'm gonna drive to the ocean
go skinny dipping
blow kisses to venus and mars
i'm gonna stop at every bar
and flirt with the cowboys in front their girlfriends

it's gonna be so grand
it's gonna be just like my wedding day

So much for love
i guess i've been wrong
but it's all right cuz i'm moving on
i'm gonna drive over hills
over mountains and canyons
and boys that keep bringin me down
i'm gonna drive under skyline and sunshine
drink good wine in vineyards
and get asked to dance
i'm gonna be carefree and let nothing pass me by
never ever again

it's gonna be so grand
it's gonna be so grand
it's gonna be just like my wedding day

Portland and Cake

2006-07-28T22:04:00.000-07:00

Holy Cow.
Im in love....The only thing that could make this trip better would be Dreamrider (Thats the station wagon we were supposed to buy and drive out here.) We are currently in Portland Oregon where we are staying with one of Lindseys friends from martha's vineyard. She is really cool and I feel like I could dedicate an entire blog to her and how cool she is. It is so nice to have someone to show us around and take us to the best parts of the city. Today we went to a coffeeshop (of course) and a thrift store, an amazing Mexican resturant, and to a waterfall.
I dont really know what it is about this place taht I love so much, but I do. I think part of it is the atmosphere. Everyone is laid back and pretty friendly. Ive never really been out to this part of the country and I think that is a crime. I wish I was a writer so that I could explain all of this better. I want to describe the beauty mixed with the culture as well as the roadtrip dynamic.

I am glad that we chose to stay here for a few days. Alina will be showing us more tomorrow and Lindsey's other friend Marc will be coming up to visit as well. (This will be good for balldick/Marc Trembly) We have been so fortunate to have met all of these people along the way. These people are connected to us in some way (usually through Lindsey, but we have been so blessed with amazing people. We stayed with complete strangers the first night like I said before, then we stayed with Aunt Joyce (so cute), then Marc's parents, and now Alina and the people she lives with. I love that people are willing to open their homes and share their lives with us even if it is for only a short time.

Well theres the german chocolate cake...Gotta go (What you must know is that we really havent eaten a meal until today and this cake is...well icing on the cake....Needless to say, its not tuna and I am excited:)...)

Joy in the Journey

2006-07-27T07:59:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was my favorite day so far. I drove first and we headed to Yellowstone. Cody to Yellowstone was once referred to by Teddy Roosevelt as the most beautiful 52 miles he had ever been through, and I agree. I was in complete awe of God and Wondered why more people do not live/visit and talk about this beautiful place. Im not sure, but I think when we die or are raptured, it is possible that God will just take us to Yellowstone. There was Construction for the first 6 miles and I didnt even care. I sat there as we listened to eastmountainsouth and Sigur Ross and just enjoyed the beauty around me. I have never felt more relaxed. usually when the three of us are going through beautiful mountains or something cool, we make comments or giggle(Yes, Marc giggles), or we just keep saying wow. Yesterday was different. Lindsey and I were in the front and Im pretty sure Marc was sleeping. We were sitting there in silence but it wasnt awkward, it was necessary. There were no words and anything we could say would ruin the moment. I have never experienced Beauty in this way before. It was so natural and rugged. Beauty isnt always soft. Mountains amaze me. From afar, they look so peaceful and gentle, but the truth is, they are hard and made of rock and dirt. Trees make the mountain look so delicate but when you get close they are prickly and rough. This has to symbolize something but I will leave it to the songwriter. For now just know that yesterday there was joy in the journey, We were not at our final destination and we still have about 5 more hours of driving today, but yesterday was beautiful.
PS, Ryland, we saw a black bear on the way out of Yellowstone. We never would have seen it if we had taken the right way out of the park, but I guess thats the consolation prize for the extra hours in the car.

"They will see us waving from such great heights
Come down now, They'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
Come down now, But we'll stay."

Joy in the Journey

2006-07-27T07:59:00.000-07:00

Here we come

2006-07-25T21:00:00.000-07:00

Well we are well on our way. I have to be brief, but we are in Cody, WY. We will be heading to Yellowstone tomorrow and then to Spokane, WA. We started yesterday morning. The "plan" was to arrive at Mt Rushmore and camp out and then head out in the morning. What we didnt know is that we are idiots and that would not have made any sense because its farther than we (I) thought and so we decided we would stop sooner. Then God placed Peter Anderson in our lives and he happed to have a good friend in Sioux Falls, SD which is about 5 hours sooner and a much more convenient place to stop. So there we were at 9:00 at night at a complete strangers parents house. Sure we are planning on staying with other complete strangers but not unannounced, you know. So that was fun. Today we had more ground to cover than we "planned" because of the deter to Daves. Today I saw Mt Rushmore and was amazed. I loved it. We were all sort of Crappy today but not at each other....we were quiet/PMSing(not Marc)/needed to have a good poop/been traveling for 2 days straight. We were hot, tired, hungry, and quiet. I remember getting alittle better when we were going through the mountains that I didnt expect to drive through. Lindsey and I of course had a great talk about our futures and how the most ideal thing would be to just go, and then think about what we've done.
Hey Im sleepy. We have a lot of ground to cover in the words of Lindsey's aunt and Marc wants to check her mail.
I will be better at this blog later when we get Wireless in Seattle.
Megbow the adventurous

Tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow

2006-07-23T09:54:00.000-07:00

"Today is
Where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten"

No time to write, tomorrow we begin the roadtrip. I will keep you posted.

Rejection

2006-07-19T14:20:00.000-07:00

Today my inspiration comes from what will hopfully be my last job rejection. Today I got a call from another hospital in Kansas City. Once again, they will be unable to hire me until I pass my boards. I totally understand...I wouldnt hire me either. About a month ago, I failed my nursing licensure test. After I found out, I sat there and thought hmmmm what should I do now. I called my friend Lindsey on my way home from work and she was like well, lets talk this through. What we came down to was, Ive been bitching about nursing for at least 6 months now and maybe this was the last "sign" that I need to do something else (at least for right now). Honestly, if I had not signed my lease in KC, I would have been on the phone immediatly figuring out how to be assigned to a mission corps, but there was a reason I signed that lease. I am supposed to be in Kansas City. I dont know why yet, but I will let you know. All that said you might ask...."Megbow, why did you go ahead and apply at hospitals if you had such a peace about the test results?" I will tell you. I have spent more time helping others feel ok about the results than even caring myself. It gets frustrating and sometimes I even check to make sure Im not making it up, but Im not,,,,I seriously am not bothered. I lost a lot of pride last semester thanks to nursing, marcus, and Mikes Hard lemonade so maybe that has a lot to do with it, or maybe this really is not the end of the world.
So, about these rejection phone calls. I felt a lot of pressure from many places to still apply for nursing jobs because to those sources, it made a lot of sense. I was trained as a nurse and I should try to get on at a hospital. However after painful interviews and phone calls from people who made me feel like an idiot for even trying, I remembered once again, nursing is not the end all for me. Yes I have goals and this might be a slight detor, but I honestly believe that God called me to this training for a reason, but I believe it is the same God who gave me peace about what could possibly be the most embarrasing thing that has ever happened to me and that requires closer examination.
I recently talked to a counselor from the University of Cinncinnati about their masters program in Midwifry. Dont you need your license for that meg? Im glad you asked...Of course I need my license which is why Im going to retake my test, but I wont be working in a hospital unless something changes. I am going to look for a job at Starbucks or something like it and save some money, take my test, apply for the program, perhaps do some volunteer work and become a midwife without working on a medsurg floor where I have to sacrifice my calming, gentle spirit and yell at old people because they cannot hear me.
Well I have to go now because we are having a good bye dinner for me.
Love
Megan

Captivating

2006-07-16T13:53:00.000-07:00

I am currently reading the book Captivating. I had heard of it before, but never really wanted to read it. I figured I would just be annoyed and disagree with a lot of it. I havent finished it yet and honestly, it hasnt said anything that I have not heard before or done anything to change my life, but as I have been reading it, it has made me examine some areas of my life that I would much rather keep on neglecting and pretend dont exist.
The first issue is what it means to be feminine. I dont know when I started rejecting femininity in my life, but I know it happened somewhere. There are things about me that are different than other girls. I dont like jewelry, I am not giggly, I burp and fart without much dicernment, I pride myself on packing extremely light for trips, showers and makeup are optional and sometimes I talk sort of dirty.
Last fall I read a book that talked about women needing to guard their feminine mystique, and that really made me stop and think about some of the ways I act and maybe why I am the way I am. I remember being little and always being told I was just like my dad. I looked like him and had his personality. I have all sisters and being the middle child, something has to be different so I think I took on the role of the son in a lot of ways. The only redeeming factor for me was the fact that I pretty much suck at being competitive and my younger sister took over in that arenea.
I am not sure why I took so much pride in being different and not girly, but it really did define me for a long time, at the same time however, I still wanted to be beautiful. I always wanted people to like me. And maybe my goal was to know that I was being liked for my personality and my humor and not for superficial reasons. I think that is a good theory, but like all insecurities, it needs to be reevaluated once discovered.
So now I have to decide what is feminine about me without becming fake. I dont want to buy into an idea or societal pressures or even try to be what people expect. Somehow I have to figure out what it means to be feminine and beautiful without gettting a personality transplant or changing into something I am actually not. (Please dont take any of this to mean that I am feeling pressured into becoming something else. I am just begining to notice areas of my life that were created out of fear and compensation and I want to become confident in who I am rather than trying to prove myself or something like that)

The next thing that I started to examine as I read this book is my relationship with men. The book talks about the "man's role" in each of our lives and how we grow up needing to be told that we are beautiful, and that determines our relationships with men in the future. I believe a lot of what she says in the book because as a female I have learned, sometimes inconciously, the effects of men on my life. I have begun to notice how extremely and painfully awkward I can be around men. Part of that is my personality and just the fact that I am somewhat introverted and reserved and the fact that I didnt have brothers, but I think some of it has to do with men from my past. I really need to think through this more, but I just wanted to journal some of this and maybe as time goes on I can start to recognize changes in myself.

Like I said before, most of this is just what I started to think about as I have been reading this book and I am sure anyone who has read it took something much different from it and thats ok.

PS, I am so excited about the roadtrip. A week from right now we will be on day one....and in two weeks I will be worshiping in the same room as one of my favorite authors, if he is at church that day.

Motorcycle Diaries

2006-07-12T17:57:00.000-07:00

Well I finally did it. I watched the motorcycle diaries. (this does not mean I wont read the book) I was forced to watch it alone in my bedroom because after 10 minutes my dad said, "this is stupid" To which I replied as intellecutally as a Tipton Co girl can (I was after all watching a movie with subtitles) "You're stupid"
Anyway, it was great and inspirational. I remember Paul Dawsons reaction to the movie after he had seen it. He was very happy and he said he wanted to go on a roadtrip and, I assume, to become like Che. Who wouldnt feel that way (besides Daddy of course) Since we are getting ready for this trip, I knew I should rent it. There are so many parts that I thought were incredible. I love the way he sees people and the way he is so honest. I love that he was a doctor and that he had such a useful skill to use. I love the scene where he swims across the river, asthma and all, just to be with the patients that he loves on his birthday. I started thinking about how his friend and everyone on the "healthy" side were discouraging him and yelling for him to come back. For a while he is alone in his decision. they think he is an idiot for risking his life. Then all of a sudden, the patients see him coming and realize who it is and they start encouraging him. Once he makes it, they help him up and everyone is cheering. Even the people that started out against his idea were cheering him on. His friend even makes the comment, "I knew he could do it" That is sort of how I feel at times. I feel misunderstood and discouraged by the very people who one day will tell me how great they think I am and what a wonderful thing Ive done. Not just with the roadtrip but with other things.
I was talking with an older friend the other day about some things we disagree on. It was more a discussion between andrea and the friend, but Draba was drowning in her argument so I was helping her to articulate a little better. During the discussion the friend kept referring to the fact that I shouldnt be here. I should be on a mission field somewhere. There is so much more that I could say about that conversation, but for now, I will say that I agree. I wish I could "go" and "do" but for whatever reason, I am going to be in Kansas City for awhile. I need to study. I need to become useful. And more than anything, I need to realize that suffering people are all around me. Sometimes this means denying myself certain things in order to live more simply. Sometimes it will mean spending time with people when I would rather be somewhere else or with other people. It will mean being uncomfortable at times. This year is going to change me, prepare me, to break me down a little more if that is possible. This trip is going to prepare me also and change me.

"This is not a tale of heroic feats. Its about two lives running parallel for a while, with common aspirations and similar dreams.....Wandering around our America has changed me more than I thought. I am not me anymore, at least I'm not the same me I was." ~Motorcycle diaries

Whats all this about a roadtrip?

2006-07-11T07:58:00.000-07:00

As I am preparing for this upcoming roadtrip, financially as well as mentally and physically, I have to ask myself (mainly because everyone else does) why are we doing this. A few months ago, I was sitting in my living room mapping out the girls vacation that I was supposed to go on with my family. We were going to the East so when I was done, I decided to make a trail to the west. This of course was just a dream and I figured Id have to wait until I was older and probably married before I found someone that I could make go with me.
During second semester of my senior year, a little peice of my life that I have named "the pits of Hell" I met the most wonderful person. Lindsey Czechowicz and I became friends while we werent looking. One day during a meal in the Nash banquet hall, I mentioned my dream for whatever reason, and her eyes got huge and she exclaimed that that was also a dream she had. Then she said, "MEGBO, LETS DO IT!" I was shocked. My dreams never become reality, especially big ones like this. Was I brave enough to do it, was I going to allow myself to take the adventure of a lifetime even if it wasnt the most structured thing in all the world....Maybe

From that time on, we talked about the roadtrip and the more we talked the more it became a reality. I read more books last semester than Ive probably read in my whole life. A few of them were books about roadtrips or people living simply. Whatever they were about, they inspired me to really want to try this. My favorite author is Donald miller. The first bok of his that I read was in one day on my way home from alabama. One of his books is about a roadtrip from Texas to Portland. He has made me fall in love with a place I have never seen. A good part of the desire for this trip stems from just wanting to see Portland and Seattle and everything in between. Do I hope to meet Don, OF COURSE. Do I think he will be so excited about me and lindsey and want to come back with us and sit at Moon Monkey for hours and talk about life, love and other mysteries, YES. And do I think my name will appear in his next book, WHY NOT?
But is that the only reason we are going, HECK NO. I need this, Lindsey needs this. I need to know that I can do it. I need to discover something, and if I already knew what it was, I wouldnt be looking for it would I? Is this trip at all irresponsible or frivolous? I dont think so. Its one of the most grown up things Ive ever done. Lindsey said something the other day about changing the world on our road trip. My response was, we might not change the world in those two weeks, but it will inevitably change each of us, and I believe we will be much more useful in changing the world as a result!
Expect great things to come!
Megbo

the opener

2006-07-09T22:34:00.000-07:00

So I wanted a blog.
I will mainly use this to post updates on my life for anyone who is interested, but maybe I will also come up with another use for it as well. Today I just got beck from Kansas City, MO where I will be moving soon with my dear friend Rozalinda Rosner. "I am excited, but scared" if I may quote the lovely Lauren J. Widner Boehme. Im glad to get out of my hometown. I think Jesus explained it best when he said a prophet in his home town recieves no honor or something to that effect. I love my family, but the roles are hard to define when I cant let myself change and be the person I have become and am becoming. It might not make sense, but I think this is a natural part of life. The part where I leave and find myself and learn how to pay bills.
I dont have a job yet. I know it would make sense to get a job in a hospital sense that was my major and all, but thats not happening. I guess the real question is, do I trust God enough to wait patient ly for direction in this area. Well I didnt trust him today so I guess I will try harder tomorrow. I want to believe that God can use me, but it's hard when I dont know exactly who "me" is. Hopefully I will know a little better after the upsoming roadtrip. Stay tuned. you wont want to miss the roadtrip entries.
Megan