Meany

Sometimes I am mean. Not mean like vindictive or malicious, but mean like inconsiderate or inadvertent self-centeredness. As a 60% introvert, it is my tendency to think and process internally. Sometimes this is very helpful for me. I probably say a lot less judgmental and rude things, because I have time to think about the thought and it is allowed to diffuse, but what about when it does not diffuse. What about when I get lazy in my processing and instead of considering all angles, I let the judgment sit there and fester. Something that started out as an observation can turn into bad thoughts and feelings. For example, I remember when I used to be in college or have other roommates. Maybe I would notice that the corner behind the bathroom toilet consistently was not being cleaned. Sometimes I would clean it and other times I would stare at it. As time went on, I might start cleaning it bitterly and think about all the things I would say to the scumbag that would let us live in filth if I was not around. (THIS IS A FICTIONAL EXAMPLE, BUT A GOOD ILLISTRATION OF HOW I PROCESS AT TIMES). Clearly, the healthy normal response would be saying something like, "hey when you clean the bathroom, would you mind paying attention to that spot? I know it seems crazy but for some reason it always bothers me when it is not clean/" Still a semi crazy request, but at least I wouldn’t be angry and bitter over something the roommate could not possibly know.

Anyway, this is just one example of the dangers of internal processing, and an extreme example at that. All this to say, I am human. I forget that sometimes. I think there is this balance that I can achieve, and I will never have to feel crazy again or something. But the truth is, I am human. I have to put forth effort at times. This might mean learning when to say uncomfortable things or learning how to forgive others for not being able to read my mind.

I think I come to points of realization when I realize I have hurt someone or if I am harboring "evil" thoughts. I unfortunately have been doing both lately. I know I can attribute some of it to hormones and other uncontrollable things, but the truth is, the buck stops here. I have to swallow my pride and get right in my mind.