Pain with a Purpose?

James begins by saying, " Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing." (James 1:2-4)
Come on James, what the hell? Who leads with that? Cant you start by giving thanks, or telling us your story, or better yet, a genealogy? No you have to start with the heavy stuff.
I do not think verses like this are for new Christians or for people who have not wrestled some with theological issues. And this is definitely not for someone who has not experienced the love of God or the extraordinary life of Jesus. So, here we go.
I think that suffering is a hard issue. Hard times either strengthen our faith or destroy it. My fear when I go through hard times is that I use "my faith" as a crutch. I don't want to be extra-religious in tough times and then forget about it all when times are easy. Or worse, I don't want to only praise God when I notice that he is good and "gives me good gifts." So this is my dilemma. This was a kinda crappy summer for me and my family. Spring gave me so much hope. Hope of new life, moving to a new place, and new experiences. Then it all came tumbling down and I could not justify anything that happened or see God working at all.
Then, to top it all off, here comes James, telling me to count it all joy!?!
I am a nurse at a birth center and have the pleasure of working with the pregos from the beginning. As I interview the ladies, I always want to know how they are feeling and if they are having any symptoms so I can make sure they are healthy and baby is doing well. During these interviews, especially in the beginning, I hear things like, well I throw up a lot or feel really nauseous, I am tired all the time, I cant go five minutes without peeing. Normally when I hear that someone doesn't feel well, I get this sad, compassionate look on my face. Not with these women. As they tell me these issues, I shake my head in affirmation and get this sick smile on my face. These women's ailments are so reassuring to me as their nurse. I know that symptoms usually are a sign of hormonal shifts which mean the body is doing what it is supposed to do. I can relate to James a little. Although we sound crazy, we are telling our listeners to count "suffering" as joy because we know the good result. I know the alternative of no symptoms (not that you have to have symptoms, because sometimes you do not). But the alternative to no pregnancy symptoms is no pregnancy. No future hope of new life. No beautiful end result. And James likewise knows the alternative to no suffering as a christian (not that you have to have suffering to be a Christian, because sometimes you do not). But the alternative to no trials during your life with Christ, is life without Christ. No beautiful end result, No future hope of new life. (this is a loose metaphor and probably there are better ways of articulating what I am trying to say, but think about it. It makes sense to me.)
As a woman who has never been pregnant past 8 weeks, and never delivered a baby, I know I am not allowed to judge anyone for complaining or accusing anyone of being a wimpy person, BUT as someone who has gone through a miscarriage, and walked with others through their own miscarriages, I find myself getting angry at women who complain about pregnancy symptoms throughout a pregnancy and never have anything good to say about it. I think they are selfish. If they only knew how precious this experience is. If they only knew that what they are taking for granted could be taken from them in an instant. If they knew the pain of the alternative, maybe they would view these symptoms as blessings. Maybe they would smile after tossing their cookies every morning. I don't know.
So upon reflection, maybe James feels the same way about me. I am in the midst still. I cant see the bright side, yet. But James says count it all joy. Paul says to press on for the prize. Do I have enough faith to trust that these trials are better than the alternative. Is it possible that James knows that the best is yet to come. Has God seen others live this life and make it to the other side to realize the joy that comes in the morning? I think it is possible. I am striving to not be selfish as I experience these growing pains.
I cannot explain my trials. There is nothing redeeming about the lose of an unborn baby, but I said blessed be your name. I said I would praise you when the darkness closes in. So here I am. I give you my right to selfishness. I give you my pains. Thank you for listening to my complaints and helping me realize that there could be a reason for the pain.

I love my job

I love my job. Maybe I dont say it enough. (Maybe I say it too much and you feel like I am rubbing it in.) Either way, I love it, and I think that is important. There are many times in my life when i felt like I was on a stepping stone. Whereever I was was not an end point. I usually enjoyed the stages of life, but I am finally at a place where I feel very content. There are things that I want and places I want to go, but as far as jobs go, I want to stay where I am at for awhile. I cannot imagine anywhere else in Kansas City where I would want to work.
I work at Mercy and Truth Birth Center. I am currently a nurse at the birth center. In nursing school I remember thinking that I should try to work somewhere other than labor and delivery because I assumed everyone wanted to work in that field. Untrue. I do not think it is for everyone. Also I never wanted to work in a hospital. People always told me I would have to get some general hospital experience before doing anything that i wanted to do. Also untrue. I have been at Mercy and Truth for a year now. August 3, 2008 was the first birth I got to be a part of. (there were two that day!) Looking back I realize that I have learned sooooo much. It makes me happy that I have come a long way and makes me wonder where I will be in a year.
I was at dinner the other day with someone, and I asked if he enjoyed his job. He kinda smiled and said, "not really... Somedays I don't mind it. I really miss teaching" It seems like a lot of people feel that way. He is in a career that he sometimes likes because he feels like he needs to make a certain amount of money to support his family. I can totally understand the need to provide for your family and I appreciate that his family is comfortable and he is not in debt (that I know of), but I feel so sad for people that are not content in their careers. I think you can make the best of anything, and some people just haven't found that thing that they love, but to stay in a job that you dont like when you have other options is hard for me to understand.
I think this is a blog that would make a good discussion. What do other people think about this? Is it more important to live comfortably or to be happy with your work?

How you doin?

Here I am. I sure am a busy girl. Lots of stuff happens in between my posts. I like blogging because I am not good at talking. Unless of course you have drugged me with a latte or a coke. (a little trick my mom learned when I was in the pits of "end of college depression".)
So about 2 weeks ago, my baby died. I was 7 1/2 weeks pregnant and she (I think it was a girl) died; without any warning. Early on in my pregnancy (before I knew I was pregnant) I had a dream. I delivered my baby. I saw her! She was so beautiful. I remember loving her so much. After a few minutes of holding her and loving her to pieces, someone took my baby. They pretended like they were showing her off, but I wanted her with me. My midwife (it happened to be Debbie) finally got her back for me. Then she said that the adoptive parents were ready for her. While in the dream it made sense, I could not let this happen. Whatever decision I had made before was wrong. I could not bear to lose my baby. I spent the rest of the dream trying to figure out a way to keep her.
So when I found out I was pregnant, I held on to parts of this dream. I loved the parts I remembered about seeing her and loving her so much. But I forgot all about the adopting part. One morning I woke up convinced I was having twins. I could not let it go. On Tuesday of that week I forced Grace to give me an ultrasound. I had to know, even though I was determined not to have a lot of ultrasounds. After some searching, I saw her. My little sprinkle was just hangin out in her little sac. Her little heart just pounding away. Two days later I miscarried (by the way, I hate that term. It sounds like I did it wrong...and belive me I did not do anything wrong. Very negligent, stupid people carry babies to term, so I am sure I did not "mis- carry".) Anyway, the point of all of this is that I am dealing with the loss of a baby. Early miscarriages are a very strange thing. You feel crazy sometimes for grieving something you barely had and never really felt. But I assure you she was there. I am telling you I saw her and her tiny little heart beat. She was real and it is ok to feel that loss.
So how am I doing? I am fine. I am changed. I still love my job. I love pregnant ladies and love watching them deliver their babies. Grace said it really well. I am not jealous because that's not my baby. I am not angry with them because their baby lived and mine did not. I am so happy for them and I love their babies. I am lucky to have had a pregnancy even if it was short lived. I am so lucky that I could love my baby for a short time. I dont think my baby was adopted like in my dream, but I do think the feelings are the same. I still find myself trying to figure out a way to get my baby back, but I cant. She is gone. Even if I get pregnant again, THAT baby is gone and it will always be sad.

Love without fear

Maybe I will just blog once a quarter. I apologize to all my readers. It's not just you I am neglecting; my journal is very similar to this blog....empty.
I am here "studying" at javanut. I am sitting upstairs so I can see out the window onto 39th St. I love 39th St. I don't want to live on it, but as long as I live in KC, I want to be close to it. I used to be a little afraid of the city (please understand that I do not think KC is comparable to New York or LA or even Chicago, but if you grew up where I did, thinking Indianapolis was "the big city" you will understand. THere is something different about these people. As a people, there is a sort of brokenness that has turned into this freedom. People do not seem as worried about being perfect or expecting perfection of others. People are more likely to talk to strangers. Everyone looks different. Not only is there diversity in race, there is a diversity in clothing and hair styles. In my home town I feel like there is a need to fit into a certain lifestyle. Some people are naturally good at it. They grew up learning how to do it and they assume the role nicely. Others try really hard to be like that. I grew up thinking I had to find a job, have a family, live in a nice house and be quiet. No one actually said these things to me, but I did not want to be different. I felt scared to not be perfect.
One day I realized, I am not perfect. I cant be "that". I don't want to be "that." There are people who are that and that is fine. I do feel bad for anyone that is scared to not be perfect though because I am not sure they can feel things or experience things fully.
I love Westport. I man walked by the front porch of this coffee shop and put something small down by one of the posts. My first thought was, Dear God is that a bomb...is he going to bomb java nut? (Ridiculous) My next thought was, You know what, I bet that is drugs. I bet someone will come by and pick it up in a minutes. Maybe they already paid for them and this is where they pick it up. (THis coffeeshop does have some reputation of hosting some pot smokers in my defense.) After I had calmed down and forgot about the bomb/drugs, the man walked by again, picked up his cigar, and walked away with his warm coffee drink he had just bought. What an assuming idiot I can be. Where did I learn this paranoia?
Then I saw 2 girls walking east on 39th and then noticed a middle aged man in a Royals hat coming west. If I was alone walking down the street, I might have thought about crossing 39th and pretending to be in the mood for a little jerusalem cafe at 8 o'clock in the morning. Not these girls. They are from westport. I know this because they have short hair that may or may not have been washed this morning depending on how hard core or poser they really are. One had a skirt on in spite of the 35 degree weather, but have no fear she had colorful tights to keep her legs and her ballet shoe covered feet warm. They walked like they owned the street but not in an "Im better than you" way, but more of a "I am so tired from being up with my artist friends last night, I didn't even see you" sort of way. As they approached this middle-aged man, he slowed down. I thought he was going to do the unthinkable in my sharpsville paradigm and talk to them. (complete strangers). Then after they passed him, he bent down and picked up a piece of trash that was on the ground and put it in his grocery bag, which I had assumed was being carried to hide his addiction to the alcohol inside.
Although these are true events, my reactions are of course exaggerated. I have come a long way. These thoughts although ridiculous are not to far off from thoughts I have had. Most of the time the thoughts are fleeting, but I wish they never came at all. There is a time for fear and a time for caution, but I do not want to live my life in fear. Not when these people are so great. Not when middle-aged men in royals caps are picking up trash from the street. Not when guys who smoke are thoughtful enough to put their cigars down while they go get their coffee, and don't bomb the coffeeshop.
I want more for the next generation. I want my kids to talk to strangers but learn to discern better than me. I know the don't talk to strangers kick was to protect us, but now I have a hard time loving.
Teach us to love without fear and in doing so protect us from evil because it is out there, but we can't assume it is in every person.

Christmas time is here

So its been awhile. It is Christmas time. I ....like Christmas time. I am cautious however because with that statement can come a lot of misunderstanding. What one thinks Christmas means might not be what I mean that I like. What I mean is, I like quiet nights. I like the stillness of snow. I like beautiful things and when snow first falls it is beautiful. I like good excuses to drink coffee or other warm drinks. I think Christmas decorations are so pretty. (not the jewelry ones though). And I love seeing family. But sometimes all of this goes sour....and fast. Cold weather ruins things and plans fail. People get hurt or damage their property. Sometimes warm drinks make you stay up all night or have to go to the bathroom too much. Sometimes christmas decorations look like jewelry or they start fires. Sometimes i dont get to see "my family" and then Im sad, and if it hadnt been Christmas time I would not have thought to miss them so badly. So now you are thinking, thanks a lot megbo, You just depressed me and made me think of all the downer things you think about sometimes. ...Sorry, I just want you to know why it is hard for me to express how I feel about Christmas. I am sad about how crazy everyone gets about gifts. I hate that I feel like a bad friend because I dont like to give gifts because it seems so cliche and not to mention it is expensive to love people as much as I want to. And dont even get me started out Jesus and Christmas. In order to not go crazy about what we have done to Jesus' birthday, I have completely separated church Christmas from world Christmas. Its hard to explain and I may sound like I am trying to justify the "secular version" but I think it might be necessary. So here is what I propose....Lets decorate. Lets sing songs that make us forget how freaking cold we are. Lets drink warm drinks and wear ugly sweaters. Lets even exchange a gift or two if that is the best way to express your love, but lets use the stillness. Lets not forget to rest. Lets not forget to be quiet. Lets not forget the one who makes the seasons. Or the one who created stillness, or warm drinks or ugly sweaters. Jesus came not so that we could have crap to open up, but to bring peace. Sometimes the best way for me to remember that is to live simply and as unselfishly as I can.
I have to go now....we are having an ice storm. Maybe tomorrow I will blog on how to deliver your baby at home because now I am worried that a few patients might have to do that.

miracle

Miracles do happen I guess. I quit my job last week. I put in two weeks notice. I made it through the first week without any of my coworkers finding out. I really did not know how to tell them and I was genuinely afraid of their responses. Some of these women are loose cannons. They complain about things you would never dream are a big deal. So anyway, today my boss sends out an email that mentions my resignation. My heart stopped and I started sweating. Within minutes, everyone would know and I would started getting dirty looks and maybe even death threats, I thought.
A minute later, I hear from over the cubical, "MEGAN BOWNE, what the heck." I start to cringe...here it comes, the you know what has hit the fan. I walk over and say, oh the email? She smiles and says, "hey where are you going?" I tell her and she is happy for me.....HAPPY. wow. Then I think ok, one of them is on my side and happy and understands. This is amazing and I am overjoyed. It is ok now if some of the others are less understanding because one of them is happy for me.
Then Vanessa keeps walking by my cubical. This is what I am dreading. SHe is not afraid to speak her mind and Im about to get it. Luckily I am busy with patients for a bit so she cant interrupt, but no joke she looked in my cubical 5 times.
Finally she catches me alone. She sits down.....and.....SMILES...."congratulations, where are you going? oh that is cool. I am glad for you....I will keep in touch with you..." Really...Me? I thought you couldnt stand me and would be mad at me for abandoning you all. Not only was she not mad at me or glad to see me go, she wants to keep in touch with me...
Ive heard it said that God is mysterious, and faith like a mustard seed can move mountains and such, but I am still in shock and awe.
Way to go Lord.

Aunt Pam

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUNT PAM!!!
For those of you who do not know, it is aunt pams birthday. She is a faithful reader of this blog so I will dedicate today's entry to her.
She is my dad's older sister. Some memories of Aunt Pam. When we were little, she used to let us come spend the night at her house. I remember even going to Lafayette when I was little and staying the night. I told her about the boy I was in love with and how I had loved him for a few years and she called it puppy love. I would love to say she was wrong, but she was not. I got over him after about a 5 year crush and now I am married to Brandon who she refers to as Branboo.
I also remember her apartment in Kokomo and I remember she had this "birthday bear." I loved it and thought it was so soft and somehow I ended up being the owner of the birthday bear. That was very nice of her.
Also, for my 16th birthday, I remember that she gave me some lotion and body soap. Being an aunt myself these days, I know realize that it is hard to by for nieces....YOu just never know what they will like. BUT the cool thing about that gift was, the "brand" was San Francisco, and the real gift was a trip to San Francisco that summer for the wedding of a 2nd cousin I had never met. During that trip I got to meet a bunch of my grandma's family that I had never even heard of . It was very cool. Thats how AuntPam is. She likes to do creative things for people. So I hope this creative blog will make her very happy today.
Love you Aunt Pam....Have a happy Birthday!!
Megan