Oh the past......
I miss it. I miss baristas. I miss coming in at 6:30 and starting the machines. I miss the smells. I miss the Keith sandwiches. I miss the customers (except for Dom, she was mean).
I also miss the shelter. I dont miss the fact that I didnt feel like I fit in very well or the complaining, but I miss the kiddos and the babies. I loved what I did there. I loved being needed by little ones and helping them have fun and meeting their every day needs. Sometimes in a way that they had never experienced.
I know I am romanticizing the past and that someday I may even miss the Health Department, but for now I just miss it all. I liked my life before I was a nurse again. I always swore that I wouldn't be a nurse. My fear was/is that I will get caught up in the security that nursing offers me, and forget why I do what I do. It is hard to know sometimes if this is really what I want or if I am doing this because I have to pay for things and prefer a life where I dont have to worry about money.
I need accountability. I need someone to remind me that I dont have to spend money just because I have it. I am not entitled to a new shirt or a nice meal if I feel stressed or have a bad day at work (everyday). So that's the first thing.
And Second, I know I need this road to get to my destination as a midwife. I have never felt passion or a call for anything as much as I have for midwifery. I know this is where I am being led so I need to just be led and not question the journey there, but it is hard. I am all by my self in so many ways. This is mine alone. Others are affected and are there to encourage me and help me along, but mostly I am alone on this road.
So anyway, here I am. I am questioning my call. I am questioning my motives and I think I am mourning a good past. Maybe these are growing pains. (Not to be confused with the muscle pain I have been experiencing in my butt; probably from sitting on my can all day at work being bored.) But whatever I am feeling, I need to be patient, and I need to get an attitude adjustment. I am getting on my own nerves and it sucks. I am tried of complaining and feeling helpless here in my first nursing post. I want change again and I dont know if that is good or bad, but whatever it is, it is happening this spring, and then I will have to make the descision to exhibit some stick-to-it-iveness or I will continue to portray myself as miserable and make myself out to be some sort of victim.
I know that many were expecting a blog about ice cream and my journey to racial reconcilation and peace, but that has to wait because I need more time to think.
posted by megan @ 8:52 AM
5 Comments:
the keith sandwich disturbs me.
in response to my husbands comment. A Keith sandwich is acctually a food item made by keith. do not think too hard about these blogs I beg you
THAT was funny.
Not the soul-wrenching, important blog post, of course, but the comment.
My dearest Meggie, is it annoying to say I know how you feel? I won't say I know exactly, precisely how you feel, cause I'm not a nurse. But the general feelings of it, the nostalgia, the yearning for what's next, the questions about calling and (vs.) security...all this I deal with on a weekly and sometimes daily basis (ever since last fall). And I actually have a great job!! (yikes.) So, know you're not crazy, and you're not alone-- at least not in how you feel.
I'll pray for some fresh inspiration or insight to blow in. Did you know you gave me one of my most important fresh insight/inspirations a couple of weeks ago? You made me excited about my life again when I had hit a whole new level of wretchedness...so thanks! And I hope the same will happen to you.
your pure and untainted honesty refreshes me... really it does... have you read Dorthy Day's "The Long Loneliness" I have it. You can borrow it if you want it. Thanks for writing and sharing.
Diane, you almost sounded like Dwight when he tells Ryan during his initiation that he has "walked the long lonely walk of loneliness."
Megan, you should read Kafka's, "An Imperial Message<". I like to read it when it feels like the end will never come. Note: Kafka is not very hopeful or uplifting, but this might help you live in your emotions with truth and honesty.
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