Being good to our bodies

Why do I eat things I dont like very much? Sometimes you have to try something before you know if you will like it. And in that case, if you dont, throw it away right? But I constantly keep eating things that I dont like that much. For example, there was a store bought cake for a birthday today at work. By the way there are celebrations at least once a week at most places I have ever worked. For some reason, we convince ourselves that we are "treating" ourselves on these occasions, but if it is that often, it is actually part of your regular eating habits! So anyway, I got a large piece of this cake (also, just because the store precuts huge pieces, does not make that a "serving size.") and I took it to my desk and ate about half of it. It was ok, but probably not worth the sugar/fat in the end. I dont even feel like eating the cake helped celebrate margarita's birthday.
Now I am not dieting, or trying to loose weight, but that does not give me an excuse to eat whatever I want. So lets try to be better. Lets eat when we are hungry, stop when we are full. Lets remember that the things we put in our body actually help or hinder our bodies performance. We may not see the effects right away which makes it hard to remember, or we may not put 2 and 2 together when it does produce an immediate response, which makes us dumb, and makes it hard to remember....Its not rocket science people.

Finding Contentment

Is it possible that when we strive to be more content, we sometimes cause ourselves to be less content.
My whole life I wanted a boyfriend. I knew that as soon as I had a boyfriend, I would be truely content. Every once in a while, I would be reminded that as christians, we need to be "content in Christ." He needs to be what satisfies us. That makes sense, but also I wanted a boyfriend. There were times I was very hard on myself and made myself feel terrible because I thought there was something wrong with my Christianity since I wasn't content in Christ alone! I think most of us would excuse my lack of faith and say my desires were reasonable and excusable.
Well, this wont be a suprise to anyone who knows me, but all my dreams came true in 2007. I got my long awaited boyfriend. I do admit I was in a much better place in my life than I had ever been before which was very helpful when I met Brandon, but having this person in my life really did give me what I would call a new found contentment....Is this to say I had never been "content" before? NO WAY! But it was something I desired for a long time that I finally had. It was great.
Unfortunatly, the truth was, I did not desire I boyfriend, I desired a person that would be my husband. It was not enough just to know that he "liked" me, I wanted to know that I was it and he wanted to commit to me for the rest of his life. (Please know that I really was in a good place and the thing with brandon was extremely special and different than any other dating experience I had ever had which was why I knew I wanted him to want to marry me. I was not so desparate that I had to marry the first guy I was serious about.) Is it possible that I felt some dicontentment even with a boyfriend. Why was I doing this to myself? All my dreams had come true right?
Now we are in the present. I am four months in people. My new dreams came true and I can finally have contentment right? Welllll....There's more. I still want more. I am American. We are taught from a young age to want, right? Not because we dont have but because almost nothing is denied. I am learning to find balance between contentment and desire. I dont want to be stagnant. I dont want to stop short of "the plans He has for me." So lets redefine content. Or maybe I just have a bad understanding in the first place. I think contentment is a state of mind that we constantly have to adjust. I have to let myself make plans and have dreams without being hard on myself for not being content. BUT I also have to bring myself back to the present. I need to live here and be positive about what is real and now.

America

I have an American flag t shirt. There I said it. I’ve had it for awhile and although I do not wear it often, I have kept it in my drawer. On Memorial Day this year, I told my husband, I’m going to wear my America t shirt. For those of you who do not know, I am part of a young group of middle class Americans that is struggling to understand our identity in a country that makes decisions for the world that we do not always agree with. For the sake of this post, I will not assume that any of my readers agree completely with anything I say or project that you all think the same way that I do on issues.
I grew up very patriotic. I teared up to the sounds of the national anthem, and proudly sported red white and blue on national holidays. I felt proud of my nation because we are the best….Right? And I felt a real comradery with fellow Americans when it came to defending ourselves as a country whether in war, the Olympics, or any other time our “great(est)ness “ was in question. I loved songs like “I’m proud to be an American” and “God Bless America.” I remember my churches 4th of July cantatas that included songs such as these and also songs written specifically about God in America with the grand indoor fireworks finale. I lived for these times. They were exciting and gave me the same feelings I had when our high school basketball team would win a big game.
Then something happened. I went to college. I started to learn about the world, and America’s place in the world. I learned about wars differently, and decisions our leaders have made that have caused problems in other parts of the world. I was ashamed and disappointed in “the land I loved.” I did not really know what to do.
I did not just grow up an American, I was also a Christian. It was so easy for me to mesh the two. God is the greatest force in all the earth, and America is the Promised Land, right? God loves that America is flourishing and He wants so badly to bring all her people back to Him. God loves to help us in our wars. Of course He is on our side because we are a Christian Nation.
So I think you can see why it was hard for me when I had to separate the two in my mind. As I learned more about God and read the Bible with new eyes, I began to see that Jesus wasn’t just talking about Americans. Jesus loves all people and all nations. I can’t really explain the special place for Israel and all that, but I know that Jesus changed a lot of things and was very inclusive. SO what does that mean for me? How do I live in a place that is so America-centric and learn to love all people. What does it mean to be a Christian in another culture? I think this is also something American missionaries of the past had to learn. They had to learn to present the Gospel of Christ and not the Gospel of America. We are much more culturally aware now due to television and the internet, but I think secretly most Americans still think we are a little “righter” than the other cultures, and many American Christians have not separated the two.
So where am I now? There are times that I think the right attitude to have is complete rebellion and hate America for tricking me. How evil to assume you are the best nation and take it out on smaller countries. How arrogant to teach your young citizens to look on others as unequal and unfortunate. How self-centered to believe that you are the hope of the world and assume that everyone else is jealous and needs your help to survive. But then I remember something else, if I begin to hate America and wish bad things on her, I am no better than she is. I do not fully know how to live peacefully in system I think is corrupt, but the answer can’t be to hate my country that has tried to be good to me for the most part.
So I don’t know the right answer. I don’t know how to express the need for change and reform and still be supportive of a place that I do in fact love. This has turned into a very long blog on America, but I think it is important. Today is the 7th anniversary of 9/11. It is easy to have a lot of emotions today. It is easy to remember the attack on our soil that hurt our pride and gave us a nasty taste of war that most of us have never experienced. If we are angry about the war, it reminds of our national response to the events of 9/11. It makes us mad to think about the “war on Terror” (whatever the hell that means), but I do think it is important to remember the events of that day. To pray for the victims families and the survivors who still have medical problems or mental anguish because of the attack. I was still very patriotic that day and I was even asked to pray at my high schools memorial service. I don’t know how I would respond today, but I do know that I care about Americans. I also care about Muslims. I hate miscommunication and feuds. I hate pride and insecurity that turns to war to solve our problems or to take revenge. I want it to stop, but I won’t become anti- America. That makes about as much sense as a war on terror if you ask me.
In conclusion, I will wear my America t shirt, no matter what assumptions people make from it. I am proud to be an American. Not because we are the best or the greatest country ever, but because it is a beautiful place. The land and the people are incredible despite the flaws that sometimes rear their ugly heads. I am free to write blogs and express my feelings. I am free to praise God (which I question how many wouldn’t if we didn’t have the freedom to do so.) I am free to learn and work and the possibilities are endless. I strive to not let my liberties poison me, and I hope you will do the same.
God Bless the world. Teach us to live in peace and be good to your creation.

Oh the past......

I miss it. I miss baristas. I miss coming in at 6:30 and starting the machines. I miss the smells. I miss the Keith sandwiches. I miss the customers (except for Dom, she was mean).
I also miss the shelter. I dont miss the fact that I didnt feel like I fit in very well or the complaining, but I miss the kiddos and the babies. I loved what I did there. I loved being needed by little ones and helping them have fun and meeting their every day needs. Sometimes in a way that they had never experienced.

I know I am romanticizing the past and that someday I may even miss the Health Department, but for now I just miss it all. I liked my life before I was a nurse again. I always swore that I wouldn't be a nurse. My fear was/is that I will get caught up in the security that nursing offers me, and forget why I do what I do. It is hard to know sometimes if this is really what I want or if I am doing this because I have to pay for things and prefer a life where I dont have to worry about money.

I need accountability. I need someone to remind me that I dont have to spend money just because I have it. I am not entitled to a new shirt or a nice meal if I feel stressed or have a bad day at work (everyday). So that's the first thing.

And Second, I know I need this road to get to my destination as a midwife. I have never felt passion or a call for anything as much as I have for midwifery. I know this is where I am being led so I need to just be led and not question the journey there, but it is hard. I am all by my self in so many ways. This is mine alone. Others are affected and are there to encourage me and help me along, but mostly I am alone on this road.

So anyway, here I am. I am questioning my call. I am questioning my motives and I think I am mourning a good past. Maybe these are growing pains. (Not to be confused with the muscle pain I have been experiencing in my butt; probably from sitting on my can all day at work being bored.) But whatever I am feeling, I need to be patient, and I need to get an attitude adjustment. I am getting on my own nerves and it sucks. I am tried of complaining and feeling helpless here in my first nursing post. I want change again and I dont know if that is good or bad, but whatever it is, it is happening this spring, and then I will have to make the descision to exhibit some stick-to-it-iveness or I will continue to portray myself as miserable and make myself out to be some sort of victim.

I know that many were expecting a blog about ice cream and my journey to racial reconcilation and peace, but that has to wait because I need more time to think.

Schindler's list

So Brandon bought this classic movie. I have never seen it before but thought I probably should. It seemed important, ya know. Anyway, we watched it in two sittings. It is very long. I was very surprised. I had all kinds of assumptions, but I guess I had no idea what it was about. First of all, it was made in the 90's...no idea. I saw all of these actors I recognized but hesitated to point them out because I was like, no way, this is so old and they are that age now. Second, Schindler turns out to be a pretty good guy. This whole time when I heard the name Schindler, I thought it was the guy who made up the list of Jews that were to be killed. In actuality, he saved a lot of Jews.
Now I dont want to ruin this for anyone that has not seen it, but I do think it would be a good idea for you to borrow it from us or go rent it.
Alright, I tried to write this without telling the whole premise, but I dont think it is possible so stop reading if you dont want it ruined....
The story is of this rich man who gets the great idea to use Jews as cheap/slave laborers in his factory. He is actually pretty smart. He determines thatpots and pans are the greatest need of society, and he trains jews to make them. The story continues as the Nazi's force the Jews to move to Ghettos and eventually concentration camps. As this happens, Schindler refuses to loose "his workers." He demands that the Nazi's allow him to keep his workers in his factory and forbids them from killing them because he does not want to loose money by training someone else. At first this might really be how he feels but eventually we begin to see him show compassion to jews and at a critical point in the war, he, with the help of his Jewish Sidekick, form a list of over 1000 jews that will be employed in his newest factory instead of going to Auschwitz. At this point his factory is making weapons. This of course seems like the greatest need of the society again, but we soon discover that Schindler secretly hopes his products will prove useless and it is now only a cover to help these Jews... The only problem is, his money begins to run out. If the war had not ended when it did, it is possible that Schindler's factory would have been shut down and who knows what would have happened to the jews?

So this begs the question, would it have been smarter to try harder for a more successful business in order to save more jews?
Or what would have happened if Schindler's heart had been broken sooner? Would less jews have been saved?
His selfishness in the beginning eventually led to the safety of 1100 people, does that justify the fact that he sat and watched as innocent people were murdered?

I dont blame Schindler or any other individual for everything that happened during this terrible time. I also realize that the weight of the world is not on our shoulders. At the end of the movie, the jews give Schindler a ring with this inscription: "He who saves the life of one man, saves the world entire." We say things like this a lot..."if so and so's life inspired one person it was all worth it." or "if this conference brings one person to Christ, our effort is not in vain." I think I have said this before, but I am not sure any of us really think that. I want to. And I hope we all can see the benefit of investing in one person, or the value of each individual, but we want so much more.