megan's blog

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Usually I write when I am overwhelmed or have something to "say", but tonight is mainly an update. I was sad for awhile because I was thinking about how Olivet probably started classes today. So why am I not as sad anymore? I will tell you why by telling you what I did today. First I had another job interview (I will explain later) Then I came home and took a nap, read, painted, played some instruments, went to community dinner with Jake where we decided that after Kristen and I went running, we should throw Montague a surprise birthday party after his module. SOOOO we did. we bought a cake, and icecream and invited everyone that we knew that might be able to come.

All this is to say, that I am surrounded by "Olivet." Whatever that actually means. Im really not trying to rub it in to people who are lonely right now, the dame way that people who are still in college are not trying to rub it in by being excited about seeing old friends or preparing for Ollies Follies. All Im saying is that this place is not so bad and I am seeing the reasons why I am here....Infact, I will probably be here longer than I thought which is sort of exciting and gives me a sense of ease. But definately the best thing about living here is the community. It is so nice to enter a place with some sense of familiarity. This is not to say that I am not trying new things or meeting new people....On the contrary, I am being continually stretched and introduced to not only new people, but new kinds of people. (and the people I already "knew" were mainly just acaintances before and now...after a few weeks....I am starting to consider good friends....friends like ive never had before)

Sometimes I think to myself that I shouldnt have moved here....maybe it is too familiar and too easy...BULL. I dont know why I do that to myself sometimes....Sure there are times I need to be uncomfortable and stretched, but Im learning that growth can happen even when I have a support system. Actually it probably helps me to make sense of it faster. These people help me not freak out. I have already learned a lot through them and I am excited about being here....Thats right, Im excited. Im not scared or depressed or feeling regretful. I have hope for the future and I feel a sense of peace. but not complacency.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Two steps back

You know the movies or TV shows where the the main character just cant win. No matter what they do, they keep digging a bigger hole for themselves and eventually it all falls apart. I know some people who wont even watch those movies because they just feel so uncomfortable the whole time. A few exmples are "just friends", "Meet the parents" and "save that dog". Well if you are one of those people who struggles to make it through stories such as these...Read NO Further. There are days when I feel like nothing goes right. I have been accused many times of exagerating so for Beths sake, I will not say that these things always happen, but when your are in the middle of it, it does seem like a constant.

As some of you know I have moved to Kansas City. As some of you might not know, moving and changing residence/banks/insurance/buying a car and changing the title/ every other freaking thing associated with it SUCKS. Today like many days before, I really felt like I cant do anything right. I cant even proof read my stupid last nmae correctly which ended up costing me more money than I probably have in the bank. Even though it sucks a lot to have to continually pay for things like a license or a title to the car or gas, it sucks about 23 times more when you have to pay more because of something that could have been avoided. One of my new least favorite feelings in the world is the feeling you get when something is inevitable but completely out of my control. No amount of tears or explainations or conversations can get you out of it....All it takes is money, which I guess is fine until you dont have extra. then it sucks.

How do some people do it? How do some people pay for accidents without health insurance or much needed car repairs, or the accident that occurs because you didnt have enough money for the needed car repair. I just think I am getting a very small taste of what its like to be stuck in "the system."

And maybe the worst part for me is the reminder when days like this happen, I am for the most part alone. Yes I have some friends and a roomate and even a familymember down here which is more than some and I get that, but there are just some times when you want that one person who either understands because theyve been there, or knows you well enough to just sit on the "veryin" and hold you while you cry or distract you until you can see clearly that its not that bad.

For now I find comfort in my blog (sad, i know) and a distant voice over the phone. I dont want my life to always be like this and all I can do is hope that someday things will change and i will have different stresses. (sad) why do we do this to ourselves?

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

are you serious?

I know....we keep coming back to this, but I just dont get it.
I was at the hosptial today with a friend who decided to cut through an artery in his leg. First of all, we were there for way to long just waiting...Dont even get me started on hospital reform. But heres the thing. I wanted to be there so badly. When he said "Guys....I need to go to the hospital"...Something came over me. Im telling you...I am a sick individual, but I got a rush. I knew what to do. I felt so useful and needed. I for a codependent person, that is a good feeling. So as I was sitting there in the waiting room for 4 hours, looking at Nick and other patients and knowing things to look for and anticipating what the doctors and nurses would say, and struggling with the fact that there are people who are equally as stressed about how they are going to pay for treatment as they are about there sickness or injury, it dawned on me. Why am I so turned off by this thing that is second nature to me. Why would I turn my back on what appears to be my calling? Why am I taking a job as a barista and waitress only to feel like a fish out of water and even more insecure than I need to be. I know that the "answer" might be to study, take the NCLEX and apply for jobs, but life happens. Sometimes a million things come up and I have to work to pay bills which takes away from study time. Then there are the less obvious signs like places not existing when you need to get a background check or professors not emailing you necessary documents. Then there are hospitals that make you feel like an idiot and maybe Im not good enough to do it in the first place (that is not keeping me from trying again)
The other thing is that I am not alone. This provides some comfort and company, but it sucks to hear emails from struggling classmates or phone calls from friends in the same boat because not only can I not help myself, my friend is struggling as well and all I can offer is understanding. Dont get me wrong, a lot of times all we need is someone who understands and will just cry with you or hold you, but I know it doesnt end there. This blog does not require comments, but they are welcome. Dont feel bad that you cant fix this. Its ok. I know this is making me better somehow. But I dont understand it yet.

Friday, August 11, 2006

and i want to go back again

Yesterday was hard. I dont know why I was so sad, but I was. Sometimes I just dont feel like doing this. I dont feel like growing up. I dont feel like paying insurance. I really dont feel like getting a job. I just feel like Im not living for much and I have no purpose. I know its a little dramatic, but when Im in the middle of these moods I just dont know how to shake it. Its hard to seek jobs when I have no desire to do anything. Its also hard to look for a place in the world when Im not sure what God wants me to do. Ive been reading irresistable revolution and its really rocking my world. maybe Im supposed to screw the system and live in community and love people for a living or somehow bring my "skills" to the community, but what are my skills. Or maybe Im supposed to go to another country and live among them and meet thier needs...Or maybe Im supposed to be in Kansas city working as a waitress or a barista until I can take my dumb test and then get my masters in midwifry so I can be useful in that way.....I dont know. I realize that I dont need all of the answers right now because that would be overwhelming, but somedays I need a clue, ya know. Anyway, today was good....i got over myself and I applied for a bunch of jobs and even had a small interview at Comedy City. It was a better day....I didnt watch elizabethtown and bawl every five seconds like yesterday....Its true. I cry sometimes, deal with it.
I love you all
Megan

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Finding myself?

The road trip is over....Can you imagine. When Lindsey and I got back to Bourbonnais for the night, I was so sad. The only thing left I had to look forward to was Moon Monkey and Tie dye. I mean sure these are two of my favorite things, but both would be better on the west coast if I have to be completely honest with you the reader. There are so many things that this trip symbolized or meant to me and when it was over, I was sad. But over the last couple of days, I have thought about it a little and I am excited for my next step. Tomorrow I am leaving for Kansas City. That will be my new home for awhile. I have no clue what to expect. I dont know what my job will be or who I will hang out with, but I do know that this is going to be a time to really figure out what I want. I have to find a balance between people pleasing and selfishness. I apologize in advance for anyone who might have to experience this search for balance, but its something I have to do. I need to freakin figure out who I am, what I like and what I want. I think I always thought it was selfish to make decisions. Maybe that is a little extreme, but I think I have always tried so hard to figure out who to be around certain people that I forgot to figure out who I like to be. I think i was also afraid to make a decision because then I run the risk of not being allowed to change my mind. If I like/tolerate everything, I will be viewed as easy going or easy to get along with. Maybe its ok to differ in opinion or interests. Maybe its ok if I think I like something and then decide I dont. I dont think I had to travel 5600 miles to figure this out and I dont think this means I found myself, but what I did discover is that if you are searching for something that means it already exists. Therefore, if I am going to find myself, its already there I just have to get comfortable in what already exists or pick out the parts that dont fit and adjust a little. I have a few more things to blog about pertaining to the roadtrip, but for now, know that it was the trip of a lifetime, but we just skimmed the surface...now we know whats out there and we can do whatever we want with it.

Rosie

This is one of those songs we picked out for the road trip. Lindsey really enjoys Rosie and so do I. Penny (Lindsey) let me listen to this a few months ago as we were preparing and I got to hear it a few times on the trip before my CD player broke. Its sort of like a theme song.


Wedding Dress
Rosie Thomas

so much for love
guess i've been wrong
but it's all right
cuz i'm moving on
i've got my car all packed with cassette tapes
and sweaters and loose change and cheap cigarettes
i'm gonna drive through the hills
with my hand out the window
and sing 'til i run out of words
i'm gonna stop at every truck stop
make small talk with waiters and truck driving men
i'm gonna fall asleep in the back seat
with no one around but me and my friends

it's gonna be so grand
it's gonna be just like my wedding day

i've had enough of love
it feels good to give up
so good to be good to myself
i'm gonna get on the highway with no destination
and plenty of vision in mind
and i'm gonna drive to the ocean
go skinny dipping
blow kisses to venus and mars
i'm gonna stop at every bar
and flirt with the cowboys in front their girlfriends

it's gonna be so grand
it's gonna be just like my wedding day

So much for love
i guess i've been wrong
but it's all right cuz i'm moving on
i'm gonna drive over hills
over mountains and canyons
and boys that keep bringin me down
i'm gonna drive under skyline and sunshine
drink good wine in vineyards
and get asked to dance
i'm gonna be carefree and let nothing pass me by
never ever again

it's gonna be so grand
it's gonna be so grand
it's gonna be just like my wedding day