are you serious?

I know....we keep coming back to this, but I just dont get it.
I was at the hosptial today with a friend who decided to cut through an artery in his leg. First of all, we were there for way to long just waiting...Dont even get me started on hospital reform. But heres the thing. I wanted to be there so badly. When he said "Guys....I need to go to the hospital"...Something came over me. Im telling you...I am a sick individual, but I got a rush. I knew what to do. I felt so useful and needed. I for a codependent person, that is a good feeling. So as I was sitting there in the waiting room for 4 hours, looking at Nick and other patients and knowing things to look for and anticipating what the doctors and nurses would say, and struggling with the fact that there are people who are equally as stressed about how they are going to pay for treatment as they are about there sickness or injury, it dawned on me. Why am I so turned off by this thing that is second nature to me. Why would I turn my back on what appears to be my calling? Why am I taking a job as a barista and waitress only to feel like a fish out of water and even more insecure than I need to be. I know that the "answer" might be to study, take the NCLEX and apply for jobs, but life happens. Sometimes a million things come up and I have to work to pay bills which takes away from study time. Then there are the less obvious signs like places not existing when you need to get a background check or professors not emailing you necessary documents. Then there are hospitals that make you feel like an idiot and maybe Im not good enough to do it in the first place (that is not keeping me from trying again)
The other thing is that I am not alone. This provides some comfort and company, but it sucks to hear emails from struggling classmates or phone calls from friends in the same boat because not only can I not help myself, my friend is struggling as well and all I can offer is understanding. Dont get me wrong, a lot of times all we need is someone who understands and will just cry with you or hold you, but I know it doesnt end there. This blog does not require comments, but they are welcome. Dont feel bad that you cant fix this. Its ok. I know this is making me better somehow. But I dont understand it yet.