Love without fear

Maybe I will just blog once a quarter. I apologize to all my readers. It's not just you I am neglecting; my journal is very similar to this blog....empty.
I am here "studying" at javanut. I am sitting upstairs so I can see out the window onto 39th St. I love 39th St. I don't want to live on it, but as long as I live in KC, I want to be close to it. I used to be a little afraid of the city (please understand that I do not think KC is comparable to New York or LA or even Chicago, but if you grew up where I did, thinking Indianapolis was "the big city" you will understand. THere is something different about these people. As a people, there is a sort of brokenness that has turned into this freedom. People do not seem as worried about being perfect or expecting perfection of others. People are more likely to talk to strangers. Everyone looks different. Not only is there diversity in race, there is a diversity in clothing and hair styles. In my home town I feel like there is a need to fit into a certain lifestyle. Some people are naturally good at it. They grew up learning how to do it and they assume the role nicely. Others try really hard to be like that. I grew up thinking I had to find a job, have a family, live in a nice house and be quiet. No one actually said these things to me, but I did not want to be different. I felt scared to not be perfect.
One day I realized, I am not perfect. I cant be "that". I don't want to be "that." There are people who are that and that is fine. I do feel bad for anyone that is scared to not be perfect though because I am not sure they can feel things or experience things fully.
I love Westport. I man walked by the front porch of this coffee shop and put something small down by one of the posts. My first thought was, Dear God is that a bomb...is he going to bomb java nut? (Ridiculous) My next thought was, You know what, I bet that is drugs. I bet someone will come by and pick it up in a minutes. Maybe they already paid for them and this is where they pick it up. (THis coffeeshop does have some reputation of hosting some pot smokers in my defense.) After I had calmed down and forgot about the bomb/drugs, the man walked by again, picked up his cigar, and walked away with his warm coffee drink he had just bought. What an assuming idiot I can be. Where did I learn this paranoia?
Then I saw 2 girls walking east on 39th and then noticed a middle aged man in a Royals hat coming west. If I was alone walking down the street, I might have thought about crossing 39th and pretending to be in the mood for a little jerusalem cafe at 8 o'clock in the morning. Not these girls. They are from westport. I know this because they have short hair that may or may not have been washed this morning depending on how hard core or poser they really are. One had a skirt on in spite of the 35 degree weather, but have no fear she had colorful tights to keep her legs and her ballet shoe covered feet warm. They walked like they owned the street but not in an "Im better than you" way, but more of a "I am so tired from being up with my artist friends last night, I didn't even see you" sort of way. As they approached this middle-aged man, he slowed down. I thought he was going to do the unthinkable in my sharpsville paradigm and talk to them. (complete strangers). Then after they passed him, he bent down and picked up a piece of trash that was on the ground and put it in his grocery bag, which I had assumed was being carried to hide his addiction to the alcohol inside.
Although these are true events, my reactions are of course exaggerated. I have come a long way. These thoughts although ridiculous are not to far off from thoughts I have had. Most of the time the thoughts are fleeting, but I wish they never came at all. There is a time for fear and a time for caution, but I do not want to live my life in fear. Not when these people are so great. Not when middle-aged men in royals caps are picking up trash from the street. Not when guys who smoke are thoughtful enough to put their cigars down while they go get their coffee, and don't bomb the coffeeshop.
I want more for the next generation. I want my kids to talk to strangers but learn to discern better than me. I know the don't talk to strangers kick was to protect us, but now I have a hard time loving.
Teach us to love without fear and in doing so protect us from evil because it is out there, but we can't assume it is in every person.