How you doin?

Here I am. I sure am a busy girl. Lots of stuff happens in between my posts. I like blogging because I am not good at talking. Unless of course you have drugged me with a latte or a coke. (a little trick my mom learned when I was in the pits of "end of college depression".)
So about 2 weeks ago, my baby died. I was 7 1/2 weeks pregnant and she (I think it was a girl) died; without any warning. Early on in my pregnancy (before I knew I was pregnant) I had a dream. I delivered my baby. I saw her! She was so beautiful. I remember loving her so much. After a few minutes of holding her and loving her to pieces, someone took my baby. They pretended like they were showing her off, but I wanted her with me. My midwife (it happened to be Debbie) finally got her back for me. Then she said that the adoptive parents were ready for her. While in the dream it made sense, I could not let this happen. Whatever decision I had made before was wrong. I could not bear to lose my baby. I spent the rest of the dream trying to figure out a way to keep her.
So when I found out I was pregnant, I held on to parts of this dream. I loved the parts I remembered about seeing her and loving her so much. But I forgot all about the adopting part. One morning I woke up convinced I was having twins. I could not let it go. On Tuesday of that week I forced Grace to give me an ultrasound. I had to know, even though I was determined not to have a lot of ultrasounds. After some searching, I saw her. My little sprinkle was just hangin out in her little sac. Her little heart just pounding away. Two days later I miscarried (by the way, I hate that term. It sounds like I did it wrong...and belive me I did not do anything wrong. Very negligent, stupid people carry babies to term, so I am sure I did not "mis- carry".) Anyway, the point of all of this is that I am dealing with the loss of a baby. Early miscarriages are a very strange thing. You feel crazy sometimes for grieving something you barely had and never really felt. But I assure you she was there. I am telling you I saw her and her tiny little heart beat. She was real and it is ok to feel that loss.
So how am I doing? I am fine. I am changed. I still love my job. I love pregnant ladies and love watching them deliver their babies. Grace said it really well. I am not jealous because that's not my baby. I am not angry with them because their baby lived and mine did not. I am so happy for them and I love their babies. I am lucky to have had a pregnancy even if it was short lived. I am so lucky that I could love my baby for a short time. I dont think my baby was adopted like in my dream, but I do think the feelings are the same. I still find myself trying to figure out a way to get my baby back, but I cant. She is gone. Even if I get pregnant again, THAT baby is gone and it will always be sad.