Meany

Sometimes I am mean. Not mean like vindictive or malicious, but mean like inconsiderate or inadvertent self-centeredness. As a 60% introvert, it is my tendency to think and process internally. Sometimes this is very helpful for me. I probably say a lot less judgmental and rude things, because I have time to think about the thought and it is allowed to diffuse, but what about when it does not diffuse. What about when I get lazy in my processing and instead of considering all angles, I let the judgment sit there and fester. Something that started out as an observation can turn into bad thoughts and feelings. For example, I remember when I used to be in college or have other roommates. Maybe I would notice that the corner behind the bathroom toilet consistently was not being cleaned. Sometimes I would clean it and other times I would stare at it. As time went on, I might start cleaning it bitterly and think about all the things I would say to the scumbag that would let us live in filth if I was not around. (THIS IS A FICTIONAL EXAMPLE, BUT A GOOD ILLISTRATION OF HOW I PROCESS AT TIMES). Clearly, the healthy normal response would be saying something like, "hey when you clean the bathroom, would you mind paying attention to that spot? I know it seems crazy but for some reason it always bothers me when it is not clean/" Still a semi crazy request, but at least I wouldn’t be angry and bitter over something the roommate could not possibly know.

Anyway, this is just one example of the dangers of internal processing, and an extreme example at that. All this to say, I am human. I forget that sometimes. I think there is this balance that I can achieve, and I will never have to feel crazy again or something. But the truth is, I am human. I have to put forth effort at times. This might mean learning when to say uncomfortable things or learning how to forgive others for not being able to read my mind.

I think I come to points of realization when I realize I have hurt someone or if I am harboring "evil" thoughts. I unfortunately have been doing both lately. I know I can attribute some of it to hormones and other uncontrollable things, but the truth is, the buck stops here. I have to swallow my pride and get right in my mind.

Funny Story

So I need to put up a picture with this story, but Im am not sure if I will ever have my camera, internet and time to do that all at the same time. So just the story. I am a nurse therefore I wear scrubs. Today I am sporting the black scrub pants with a trendy, red urbane brand scrub top. So red on Top black on Bottom. (there's your picture)
So my husband came to lunch with me today and as we were leaving, I was apparently walking too fast for him, and he called out: "ease up there 'Pizza Hut,' we arent in a hurry."
It totally caught me off guard as I realized he was calling me Pizza Hut due to my choice in scrubs. He offered to buy me a visor too. He's too much.

Midwifery

Something you might not know about me, even if you know me well, is that I am semi-obsessed with childbirth. This weekend was my first on call experience as a birth center nurse. It was awesome. I got to assist in not only one but TWO births.
I am planning on starting back to school this spring to become a nurse midwife. I have wanted to do this for a long time. Even in older posts I think I have mentioned this. I got off track after nursing school because I was so frustrated with people telling me I had to be a med surg nurse before I could do what I wanted to do. Well I appreciate the advice, but I have really benefited from all my experiences with out "general nursing experience."
I remember about a year ago driving to Texas with Brandon and saying, "I think I still might want to be a midwife." The conversation sort of stopped because we had just arrived at his brother's house, but that was the first time I had said it out loud since college. I had been working at the shelter and was loving that, but I felt like it was time to pursue my dream.
So here I am a year later. I have passed the NCLEX, I have been working at the Health Department for about 6 monthes, and I am going to start school in the spring. Who knew!
This is a hard job that I am signing up for. The hours are unpredictable, women can be mean to you (until they have their babies), you get filthy, but I love it. You get to be a calming presence. You get to be a hero. And you get to be the first person in the whole world to hold a new person. Thats pretty cool. I figured everyone would be fighting for this job, but apparently not. I think I just figured everyone should think it is as cool as I think it is. But what I really think that says about me is that it is my passion. It gives me energy, even at 4:00 in the morning.